still on the herbs

I’ve continued consistently with the herbs supplements and with having breakfast each morning, without an appetite.  My initial emotions this morning was of continued overwhelm, “everything is too much of an effort” but after I observed the thought, I put it aside, showered, meditated and make breakfast and allotted my herbs for the day.  I still feel overwhelmed.  Everything still feels like a chore and extra effort.  I know I have more energy in body than I give it credit so I will also be doing some physical exercise just the same to awaken that part of me.

Today I am instilling a new weekly regimen to our life her at the house.  I have hired a new cleaning/organizing person to help me get the very necessary projects completed around this house – since the existing institutionalized person has no ability to focus to detail.  My new person has the same name as I and is a little younger as well as the niece to the current person.  I am excited about getting this house truly organized and cleaned from the inside out and releasing me of some the anguish I have felt while here. I actually got the thumbs up by J for wanting to organize this place.

Our first agenda is to clean out the pantry and cupboards in kitchen, as well as our refrigerators.  Tomorrow I start a whole new diary free, gluten free diet.  I will be on this for the next 6 weeks to really see if I can truly jump-start my body back into fixing itself and healing.  I need to be and WANT to be well.  I have a lot to live for and truly an a happy person.  Most of the time but now I am full of fear and dread that if this does not happen then again I will be on one more medication that I will have to take for the rest of my life and I don’t want to be tethered to any doctors or medications.  I want complete freedom and well being.

are the best years behind me

As I fight to remain healthy in body and spirit, my mind is playing a game in telling me that perhaps now as my body is fighting again another self inflicted disease, perhaps the best days are behind me. I’m not one to give up and as I write this it all seems very, very pathetic.  I guess being repeatedly reminded of how much control I don’t have over my own body makes me angry and feeling helpless.  And the fact that I may be doing something unintentionally to hurt it simply lays me on my ass – I believe myself to be a part of the conscious realm of life and not unconscious.  But apparently I’m not.

Not Much Today

I had a fitful night of sleep so when morning came I was eager to get out of bed.  I’ve showered, meditated, wrote in my journal in an attempt to jot down the dreams which pervailed all night, but no luck.  They’ve escaped me as the sun rose.

Today is day 3 of my homeopathic supplements so although I have zero appetite, I will go upstairs and put together a breakfast in order to take the prescribed herbs.  I have somewhat of a busy day so I am going to get to it.

Overwhelm

Yesterday I was in a total overwhelm.  I woke up feeling angry and thinking of all the things that I wanted to do in Europe and didn’t.  I was mad at the world.  They thyroid hormones, or lack thereof, were showing.   As the day progressed my emotions continued to swing from anger, to fear and then to complete hopelessness. Which for me can very, very bleak.  I began to cry for no reason.  I got in the shower and as I was getting dressed I began to shake – on the inside.  I knew I had to not let my agenda to get to the homeopathic pharmacy in Santa Monica slip by again today.  But the thought of driving all the way to Santa Monica (it’s only a 35 minute drive away – with traffic) pretty much paralyzed me.  I had to ask for help.  And I did. E had to attend his daughters Volleyball game and open house that evening but I asked early enough so he could be able to squeeze me in.  I didn’t want to drive.

I met with the same pharmacist who had helped me with my RA supplements and she looked at all my blood work and confirmed that I do have Hashimoto’s Disease.  She spent a considerable time more than her allotted 15 minutes with us and I have several other supplements to help me along.  In addition to a new suggested dietary regime which will eliminate all gluten and diary including eggs.  The diet to help re-start my insides and possibly help my body from self attacking.  Perhaps there is something I am eating which my body assumes to be something else thus the attack begins.

I am a stubborn one and have heard for a number of years that dairy is not good for me.  But I love butter.  I will try again with a new resolve (because of a new disease) to eliminate dairy for good.

With E’s help and support I went to the grocery store and bought something I could make for dinner for me and E’s dad, J since E was going to be gone.  I wanted to push through and make myself feel better.  And with anxious overwhelm sitting on my right shoulder ready to attack at any moment, I searched a recipe that was manageable and forged ahead.  And all thru making dinner, I paced myself and pushed at the same in an effort to get through to the emotion of completion.  Dinner was wonderfully delicious to me and J enjoyed is as well.

The day ended well and the fact that I did not let the overwhelm consume me helped me today to know that I don’t have to hide under the covers for the sake of hiding.  I have taken the herbs prescribed and I know that it will take a few days for them to take hold.  My body is going through major changes and I am along for a bumpy roller-coaster of a ride.  But what I do have control over is my ability to know and take action to feel better.  And hopefully in that regard I can contribute to the major changes in my life by having confidence and reassurance that I can take care of me (with some help).

Overwhelm had me at the throat in the a.m. but I succeeded in not letting it have me all day.

STGANUGKJF

Frustrated

So as a result of my thyroid issue – I looked in the Louise L. Hay book You Can Heal Your Life to determine what is the cause of my newly diagnosed hypothyroidism and this is what it said; “Giving up.  Feeling hopelessly stifled.”

OK – the areas I feel stifled:

1. not writing – my fault
2. being accepted as a true family member by the girls – yeah hopeless feeling and sometimes a strong desire to give it up
3. my inability to save money
4. my inability to be more health conscious

Her remedy is “I create a new life with new rules that totally support me.” I don’t even know where to begin with that one, honestly.

OK ways I am currently supported:

1. 100% financially by E

OK – I guess I need to do another step before this and figure out how do I want/need support…

1. Financial = E and me
2. Emotional = E, my girl pals, Tina, and me
3. Physical = E and me with acupuncture and trainer and doctor and Grinberg and Tanda and Daniel
4. Psychological = me, my girl pals, E and Tina

Am I missing anything?  I have a boat, no, a ship load of support, and yet I’m giving up?

It appears I am doing something wrong in that I have no more of a financial worrisome survivor need in that I am totally taken care of, but the fact that I am apparently giving up now baffles the fuck out of me. AND MAKES ME ANGRY! Not to mention thoroughly embarrassed at how poorly I am failing to make good with all the wonderful and powerful gifts I have been given.  I remember wishing and telling myself that if I didn’t have to work I could accomplish so much. Or if I didn’t have to worry about money, I would be so happy and productive.  Ha Ha Ha. Well those wishes have come true and I have succeeded at not a whole lot.  Truly not a whole lot.

I had a conversation with a friend who told me my body has been in over-drive for many more years than I realize, and maybe she is right.  I don’t have the crystal ball which determines that if I had stayed at my job that my body would not break down in any other “worse” way than it already has.  But I do know that something in me has to change.  I moved into a less demanding lifestyle 2 years ago.  And within those 2 years I don’t know if my self demanding ways have changed or not.  My mind certainly continues to have the very loud critical voice however, as I shared yesterday, it is a little less vocal.

I am a bit at a loss.  This thyroid issue has slammed me on my ass.  All I can think of is to do something different – or more of the same — just better.  I don’t know.

at it again

last week E and I went to celebrate our anniversary – I say 3 years to include the year we began dating – he says 2 years from the time we moved in together – regardless we celebrated and that is what mattered.  We enjoyed ourselves and rested.  he took me to new places and familiar places and were happy.  Exchanged wonderful cards and kissed a lot.

I took photographs of the wonderful nature and meditated a few times.  I was in touch with me and what I wanted.  The evening we had dinner with my brother and I was reminded of how much I miss and am so proud of him and his accomplishments so far.  Also at how much I like being around him.

But as I waited for him to arrive in the bar of the restaurant I began to feel no one wants to be around me or really likes me.  I’m only like-able because of my “work-ethic” or “good-girl” or “let me take care of you” personality.  And because he’s been away at school, none of those personalities have been around him so of course he would not, could not like me.  I caught myself so full of insecurities and doubt and a solid dose of self-hatred – I was momentarily paralyzed and lonely.

I also realized I had not felt it in a long time – took a long breath – and was able to separate the emotions and see them clearly and slowly extricate them and look at what was truly around me and what was/is real.  When I saw him I was truly happy to see him and I had to continue to stay aware of those emotions and believe he was truly happy to see me.  And again when he texted me to say he missed me already – first thought was to negate him and me of those feelings – but I was able to breach the old ways and start the new neuropath of good thoughts.

 

 

I remember.

ok – after waking and realizing that the workmen were already here and working = I am late.  I did all the things  I usually do in a hasty manor and forget the main objective of each day is to write. So I finally remembered and here I am. Without fear of judgment or rejection.

On My mind at the moment is how long does one get punished for past misdeeds? Will the kids ever forgive the way our relationship started or not? I do know if they are not willing to forgive, but I do feel they are not willing to have me be in their lives more and perhaps staying involved will continue to be a source of pain for them. It doesn’t mean that I will not be in relationship with their dad – or maybe it will mean he and I will have to redefine our relationship. I don’t know. I do know that I wont be subjected to always be the outcast. I love them and it would hurt very much and as much HOPE  I have that it will all change, I also have the greatest amount of anger in the powerless feeling no matter what I do, they will never forgive.

I have choices!

As for my health today = my throat continues to hurt and first walk up the stairs I ached all over and again no appetite.  I am taking the Chinese herbs as prescribed but not the meds yet. I will get those today from pharmacy, and perhaps go the homeopathic pharmacy to get and show all that I am currently taking.  I want to feel better – about everything.  I want have joy and I do know that I can give myself that joy.  It is up to me.

what a week it’s been

so again I am forced to stop and face what it is I am not doing correctly by way of my body giving me a “sharp” poke with it’s “health” stick!  After two sets of blood work analysis, I have thyroid issues – or another “disease” – Hashimoto’s.  If it weren’t for the blood work, I wouldn’t have noticed anything wrong because they are the same signs as the RA I already deal with – fatigue, loss of hair, body ache – but one thing has completely change is loss of appetite.  That I am grateful for but I am eating nonetheless because I know better.  There have been few moments of an unexplained headache and fatigue – but again the same for RA.

I am not at a loss but did have much anger for the 2 days after it was confirmed.  I am better today – less anger – but have not yet taken the meds prescribed because I need to make a change on my own.  Especially after reading over several articles that say once to take the meds, you will most likely have to take them for the rest of your life! I am already on a “rest of my life regime” and I don’t want another.  At least not until I have done everything I need to do on my own to rectify this issue.
Because the thyroid is in the throat – one of my self healing actions will be to write more – USE MY VOICE – and let it out.  I know this is one avenue I have toyed with for many years but what do I need an anvil to fall on my Wylie E Coyotoe head to get it – I need to speak out. Time for my fears of exposure and rejection to fade into the background and let healing take over.

Easier said than done – God give me strength to do this daily – Please help me.