at it again

September 17, 2011

last week E and I went to celebrate our anniversary – I say 3 years to include the year we began dating – he says 2 years from the time we moved in together – regardless we celebrated and that is what mattered.  We enjoyed ourselves and rested.  he took me to new places and familiar places and were happy.  Exchanged wonderful cards and kissed a lot.

I took photographs of the wonderful nature and meditated a few times.  I was in touch with me and what I wanted.  The evening we had dinner with my brother and I was reminded of how much I miss and am so proud of him and his accomplishments so far.  Also at how much I like being around him.

But as I waited for him to arrive in the bar of the restaurant I began to feel no one wants to be around me or really likes me.  I’m only like-able because of my “work-ethic” or “good-girl” or “let me take care of you” personality.  And because he’s been away at school, none of those personalities have been around him so of course he would not, could not like me.  I caught myself so full of insecurities and doubt and a solid dose of self-hatred – I was momentarily paralyzed and lonely.

I also realized I had not felt it in a long time – took a long breath – and was able to separate the emotions and see them clearly and slowly extricate them and look at what was truly around me and what was/is real.  When I saw him I was truly happy to see him and I had to continue to stay aware of those emotions and believe he was truly happy to see me.  And again when he texted me to say he missed me already – first thought was to negate him and me of those feelings – but I was able to breach the old ways and start the new neuropath of good thoughts.




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