I have done a lot of work and have uncovered, inspected, examined & looked under many of the rocks from my past.  Some of the larger rocks/boulders have been rape, neglect, abuse and abandonment.

I have written a book/memoire in hopes that when kids and young adults read the book, they can find their inner voices, see that life won’t always be that way and hopefully any of the abused kids will know they can make better choices in their lives.  Things can and will change.  Life can be good.

Some areas in my life today are still a struggle.  Trust being the one claiming my attention the most.  It is truly a trust of self – being that I can instill my trust in others a little to easily & quickly.  And because I don’t realize I give my trust so quickly, I find myself doubting, my trust wavering, that I spin out about it and it may consume a large part of my peaceful state.

By nature I am a trusting individual, in that I believe most of the people in my world are of good nature and worthy of trust.  I am not wrong in that perception. What blindsides me is when I begin to doubt my initial belief in people and begin to imagine that I am wrong and those around me are not being truthful.

You see, my trust in others has nothing to do in the action of the other person.  It all surrounds me and my self doubt and doubt of my own judgement.  I am not sure when I will truly be able to trust myself and my judgment or actual belief in those who I choose to have around me, not sure what it would look like to be somewhat certain that I am surrounded by ones who love me and who hold my trust in them with regard.  Don’t know what those around me would have to do to prove it or if would want them too.

I just know today that I struggle with my issues of trust of my choices and it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in that struggle, however I know that feelings do not rule my world or identify who I am.  So with the uncomfortable feelings, they are just that and not facts.  With each experience of this uncomfortableness I grow stronger in the experience my choices are good ones, and no one, to date has let me down.

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In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!

So I was super successful in my endeavors in bringing joy and more people into the home I live.  But before I could host the party I had to bring the home back out from under spider webs and gray, dusty chandeliers.  All this prep work began subconsciously and consciously in October 2011. And it was pretty much a full time job.  We hired an actual cleaning woman (although keeping the existing one is painful).  There were countless pieces of silver to polish and for the sheer idiotic fact I will not mention how many chandeliers there were to be cleaned by expert window washers (who will return in the Spring once the raining has ceased)  All this work of making sure each room was dusted, vacuumed, all the bathrooms immaculately cleaned, floors polished etc etc.  And thus all this culminated to a wonderful Christmas Party where the food was a hit as was all the lovely company.  It may now be an annual event.  (Much to my happy surprise).

It was a fabulous time and I loved it. And my health was great – no ache’s – no flare-ups – no RA.  I was feeling fabulous.

However, January started and I have been in a low awful ache each day.  And I can’t get around it…I am completely stumped and pissed-off at the same time.  I am tired of hurting.  Eat morning before I even open my eyes I will move my body and immediately feel the pain in my knees or in my shoulders or in my hand.  My pain in my hands is a trip.  It’s not just the knuckles that are in your hands at the base of your fingers, but the knuckles in the middle of each finger and hurt – I am exhausted.  The shitty thing is by the end of the day I feel better and the ache has subsided so I fall asleep with the expectation that tomorrow when I wake up I will feel whole again only to have the pain travel to another part of my body!!

On January 12,  2006 I was diagnosed with RA – 6 years ago.  I do believe this disease is a marker to show how I feel on the inside – that my psyche wants people to know how I ache on the inside – so my immune system attacks my joints.   I just don’t have the wherewithall to understand right now what it is that I am beating myself up with.  Am I in a fog with my insights?  Usually I am not one to fear or run away from challenges and this has been a repeated daily challenge with no ease or release of pain.  All I could imagine is to create some sort of structure in my daily life with morning stretches, meditation and writing and hope that I can put an end to this nagging ache.

Perhaps my self nagging nature of how I am not accomplishing anything daily towards my goal of writing my book is the catalyst of joint pain.  Only one way to determine if that is true.  Write every day.  I already have the outline…..

 

Overwhelm

September 20, 2011

Yesterday I was in a total overwhelm.  I woke up feeling angry and thinking of all the things that I wanted to do in Europe and didn’t.  I was mad at the world.  They thyroid hormones, or lack thereof, were showing.   As the day progressed my emotions continued to swing from anger, to fear and then to complete hopelessness. Which for me can very, very bleak.  I began to cry for no reason.  I got in the shower and as I was getting dressed I began to shake – on the inside.  I knew I had to not let my agenda to get to the homeopathic pharmacy in Santa Monica slip by again today.  But the thought of driving all the way to Santa Monica (it’s only a 35 minute drive away – with traffic) pretty much paralyzed me.  I had to ask for help.  And I did. E had to attend his daughters Volleyball game and open house that evening but I asked early enough so he could be able to squeeze me in.  I didn’t want to drive.

I met with the same pharmacist who had helped me with my RA supplements and she looked at all my blood work and confirmed that I do have Hashimoto’s Disease.  She spent a considerable time more than her allotted 15 minutes with us and I have several other supplements to help me along.  In addition to a new suggested dietary regime which will eliminate all gluten and diary including eggs.  The diet to help re-start my insides and possibly help my body from self attacking.  Perhaps there is something I am eating which my body assumes to be something else thus the attack begins.

I am a stubborn one and have heard for a number of years that dairy is not good for me.  But I love butter.  I will try again with a new resolve (because of a new disease) to eliminate dairy for good.

With E’s help and support I went to the grocery store and bought something I could make for dinner for me and E’s dad, J since E was going to be gone.  I wanted to push through and make myself feel better.  And with anxious overwhelm sitting on my right shoulder ready to attack at any moment, I searched a recipe that was manageable and forged ahead.  And all thru making dinner, I paced myself and pushed at the same in an effort to get through to the emotion of completion.  Dinner was wonderfully delicious to me and J enjoyed is as well.

The day ended well and the fact that I did not let the overwhelm consume me helped me today to know that I don’t have to hide under the covers for the sake of hiding.  I have taken the herbs prescribed and I know that it will take a few days for them to take hold.  My body is going through major changes and I am along for a bumpy roller-coaster of a ride.  But what I do have control over is my ability to know and take action to feel better.  And hopefully in that regard I can contribute to the major changes in my life by having confidence and reassurance that I can take care of me (with some help).

Overwhelm had me at the throat in the a.m. but I succeeded in not letting it have me all day.

STGANUGKJF

In working with my Pain Management therapist in the Grinberg Method, I have come to learn that when my mind feels pain in my body and interprets it as a possible flare-up, my mind and body suddenly become filled with the fear of what that pain means; lack of movement, heat to that joint, pain with any movement, continual pain,  feeling of helplessness,  fatigue, having to ask for help and the general malaise it will cause.  As I now compound the pain with all the layers of fear  the pain of a possible flare-up will cause I invest more energy and a clear channel existing pain, thus increasing it.

As long as I can minimize and not make my pain a catastrophe, I have a better opportunity not to have the pain at all.  I know it works because I had a flare-up in my right knee and when I stopped favoring that knee and simply accepted the pain, it went away.  Part of accepting the pain also meant surviving the pain and the clear understanding that the pain will not kill me.

This encourages me to keep facing my fears in hope of truly living a painfree life.