Between Two Men

February 22, 2012

I am blessed to be living with the two most impressive, intelligent, supportive men I have known (with the exception of my own father who passed in 1990). One is my partner and the other is his father. My love for them is immense.  However, (I Know) watching them navigate their relationship can be very trying at times. Since I am somewhat new to their family dynamic I can clearly see the history and patterns of misunderstandings, lack of communication and preconceived ideals which has prevailed for years.
When I see this play out in front of my eyes time and time again I get conflicting whole body sensations, one of walking a tightrope above New York (al la Philippe Petit) and the other to yell at the top of my voice to shake up the tense line and say STOP! Each of you get out of your own way, step back and accept one another….
Sloppy I know but that is my experience. I know they are each capable of loving and accepting one another for who they are because that is exactly what my experience is with each of them.
My personal goal for their relationship is to assist (more by example than yelling) each of them to let go of the past angers, past resentments, past preconceived ideas of what each person should be and give today all the possibilities it has to start a new.  Leave the hurt and resentments behind – which is in no way easy – but if practiced on a daily basis, it does get easier, and you have a lot less to weigh you down.

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Balance

February 5, 2012

Month two of a new year and the list of items to be completed is growing yet I am trying to keep myself out of judgement and out of the outcome and feelings. The difference being is I am trying to increase the muscle of honoring where I am and not who I need or have to be or accomplish. You know, the difference in human doing and human being.
In fact, with the year beginning in pain and aches, I have been forced to take the extra time and slow down but I am in a state of conflict, I can see that each time I teeter-totter towards the self abuse and push, I breath deeply and balance it with a grain of self acceptance. Thus trying to honor where I am today.
I want to accomplish in this year writing a short story or novela worthy of being published and I want to begin volunteering somewhere I can help make a difference and give me a sense of purpose. I also need to honor my current commitments to organize and streamline the office I do inhabit two to three days a week.  The judgement comes in the first two items I want to accomplish this year I have wanted to get to for the last 2 years.   And if I keep looking back and beating myself up for not accomplishing before keeps me in the conflict.  So the strive for balance continues and I hope to use this platform as a way to keep myself in check,with out judgement!!

Tragic

February 2, 2012

why do I fall again and again back to this fucking tragic tortured soul persona?  I hate it.  It makes me sick to think that my automatic reflex is fall to this pitiful woes me state of mind in hopes  it compels people to love me – would them pity my existence. pity my childhood, pity me.  Pity is not Love. Love is not pity but yet I go for it each time. and whose fault or reasoning or blame – no one by my own.  I maintain this trajectory – this neural path – this no thought default alive – and I am sick of it.

Yeah I have fears – I get sad and I know loneliness – but so does everyone else…..I am not special but i default to tragedy time and time again to make me special to make others propel my special needs.  To define me.

I’m tired.