Stillness

February 7, 2017

I turned the TV off early this morning in order to not get consumed by the constant chatter of how all actions or reactions are being reported.  I just got off of Facebook and feel worse for having being on it.  I posted about the upcoming Baseball Spring Training – being my first full Spring in Phoenix – I am astounded at all the teams playing here in the “Cactus League.” I posted in hopes of giving friends something to look forward to!

Before all that, during the day, I was still.

I watched a hummingbird land and drink from the feeder I just purchased and put up.

I watched a squirrel run across my yard, up over the pool equipment, onto the mason wall and scurry really fast across the wall to the neighbors yard.

I heard the birds chirp and sing and enjoyed their melodies.

Listened to my dog bark in response to the neighbor dogs’ bark and wonder what they are communicating, because there was a rhythm to it.

Felt the lips of my fiancee as he came home for lunch from work.  Really took in the meeting of lips, soft and firm all at once.

Felt the nudge of my german shepherds nose as she demanded to be acknowledged and hugged.  (she needs a bath)

These moments may not be life changing, but they do alter my mood.  Help me get in touch with what matters in my day to day life, my overall need for order and peace in my day to day functions.  Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply concerned for the future of this country and believe we are in a “crossroads.” One road  could lead to more unity and inclusion or the ill fated road of haves and have nots.  I feel like I am living in a novel.  It just doesn’t feel real.  Sadly its true.  So today I chose stillness, tomorrow I will choose stillness only because I know it calms me.  But don’t mistake stillness for inaction.  My stillness gives me the space to come to an action, an action full of thoughtfulness, contemplation and hope.

Choosing stillness is choosing the self.

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I have done a lot of work and have uncovered, inspected, examined & looked under many of the rocks from my past.  Some of the larger rocks/boulders have been rape, neglect, abuse and abandonment.

I have written a book/memoire in hopes that when kids and young adults read the book, they can find their inner voices, see that life won’t always be that way and hopefully any of the abused kids will know they can make better choices in their lives.  Things can and will change.  Life can be good.

Some areas in my life today are still a struggle.  Trust being the one claiming my attention the most.  It is truly a trust of self – being that I can instill my trust in others a little to easily & quickly.  And because I don’t realize I give my trust so quickly, I find myself doubting, my trust wavering, that I spin out about it and it may consume a large part of my peaceful state.

By nature I am a trusting individual, in that I believe most of the people in my world are of good nature and worthy of trust.  I am not wrong in that perception. What blindsides me is when I begin to doubt my initial belief in people and begin to imagine that I am wrong and those around me are not being truthful.

You see, my trust in others has nothing to do in the action of the other person.  It all surrounds me and my self doubt and doubt of my own judgement.  I am not sure when I will truly be able to trust myself and my judgment or actual belief in those who I choose to have around me, not sure what it would look like to be somewhat certain that I am surrounded by ones who love me and who hold my trust in them with regard.  Don’t know what those around me would have to do to prove it or if would want them too.

I just know today that I struggle with my issues of trust of my choices and it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in that struggle, however I know that feelings do not rule my world or identify who I am.  So with the uncomfortable feelings, they are just that and not facts.  With each experience of this uncomfortableness I grow stronger in the experience my choices are good ones, and no one, to date has let me down.

In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!

I remember.

September 10, 2011

ok – after waking and realizing that the workmen were already here and working = I am late.  I did all the things  I usually do in a hasty manor and forget the main objective of each day is to write. So I finally remembered and here I am. Without fear of judgment or rejection.

On My mind at the moment is how long does one get punished for past misdeeds? Will the kids ever forgive the way our relationship started or not? I do know if they are not willing to forgive, but I do feel they are not willing to have me be in their lives more and perhaps staying involved will continue to be a source of pain for them. It doesn’t mean that I will not be in relationship with their dad – or maybe it will mean he and I will have to redefine our relationship. I don’t know. I do know that I wont be subjected to always be the outcast. I love them and it would hurt very much and as much HOPE  I have that it will all change, I also have the greatest amount of anger in the powerless feeling no matter what I do, they will never forgive.

I have choices!

As for my health today = my throat continues to hurt and first walk up the stairs I ached all over and again no appetite.  I am taking the Chinese herbs as prescribed but not the meds yet. I will get those today from pharmacy, and perhaps go the homeopathic pharmacy to get and show all that I am currently taking.  I want to feel better – about everything.  I want have joy and I do know that I can give myself that joy.  It is up to me.

In working with my Pain Management therapist in the Grinberg Method, I have come to learn that when my mind feels pain in my body and interprets it as a possible flare-up, my mind and body suddenly become filled with the fear of what that pain means; lack of movement, heat to that joint, pain with any movement, continual pain,  feeling of helplessness,  fatigue, having to ask for help and the general malaise it will cause.  As I now compound the pain with all the layers of fear  the pain of a possible flare-up will cause I invest more energy and a clear channel existing pain, thus increasing it.

As long as I can minimize and not make my pain a catastrophe, I have a better opportunity not to have the pain at all.  I know it works because I had a flare-up in my right knee and when I stopped favoring that knee and simply accepted the pain, it went away.  Part of accepting the pain also meant surviving the pain and the clear understanding that the pain will not kill me.

This encourages me to keep facing my fears in hope of truly living a painfree life.