42 and new rules

July 13, 2010

Ok, so I woke up this morning and I realized that I can make all new rules for my life – well maybe not ALL but new ones – but make new ones for a new life – then I went into a spin and realized this can be scary.
I am familiar with the devastating, hurtful events in life where there are only two choices – strap up and get on with life or not….
However, this time there has not been a negative devastating event, but a wonderful freeing experience and thus my enormous surprise that these life skills apply just the same!!
For the rest of the day I will chew over and take input from my routine to determine what I want these new rules to be. So far I have noticed I am addressing some of my soul needs; to write more, to take better care of my body, to create some art work. And now the rules will be used to implement these needs.
I am truly grateful for the room I now have in my life to begin to give voice to my soul. I now have the space and energy, emotionally and physically and the support of a loving man to begin this journey of the second half of my life. I still have responsibilities to this loving man and to others in my life, but I have begun to see the responsibility that I have to myself in fulfilling what I want this life to reflect.

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My reality today resembles nothing of what it was 10 years ago, phfft, even 3 years ago.  Is that the case for everyone?  Today I realize that no one is trying to hurt me anymore and although I am a child of abuse, I am no longer today living the abuse.  For the rest of my life I will continue to heal the little abused child inside but for today my life is beginning to feel good because the little child is not running my life.

But who is to say what reality really is?  There is clearly a voice on TV portraying what that “reality” will sell ad time. But what is being portrayed scares me to think that people are going to see that and judge that as a standard of true reality they may want to aspire to.  Where in truth, (truth being the operative word) everyone’s reality is something ethereal right?  Questions that these really spiral me out sometimes.

I have joined a new gym for the 4th time in my life.  And I am finding myself not loving the act of exercise….

It takes an exorbitant amount of energy to get my ass to the gym – but yet while I am there, I give my 150%.  Major opposites – Major Conflict.  I don’t know if this is complaining but I do not like the way my body feels that day after a work-out.  I don’t like the fact that my face refuses to release perspiration yet it ramps up to a heated fire engine red.

I do have a goal of loosing 20 lbs by September 1st and I understand that in order to do this I need to work-out a cardio routine everyday.  I’ve yet to do a full 5 day in a row.  The best has been 3 straight days of cardio.

Another issue is that when I loose the 20 lbs – yes I will do it! – do I have to maintain the level of muscle soreness to maintain the weight loss?  I am not happy with this added weight – I love my body – but am not in love with my body especially the way I bulge out of fun clothes.  Fun clothes being my confidence in wearing anything from a t-shirt and jeans to a wonderful Bagdley Mischa dress.

I am feeling discouraged and unmotivated, yet I really want this to happen with no more pain…….Ha ha ha.