I woke up crying…sad that I had invested in a life for many years and decided to walk away when it was not all that I had hoped it would be.  I don’t blame the other person for the break-up, but I am incredibly sadden by my inability to take better care of myself in that relationship.  While I was in the relationship, I did grow and learn how to make myself satisfied in so many ways, yet it was lonely.  I was unheard, unseen, for too long, so my sadness stems from me not speaking up and taking better care of myself.

Thus, the tears are because I had a wonderful opportunity to take care of myself in so many better ways than I did and I lost an incredible opportunity.

I know I can not change an individual if they do not want to change.  Especially, if they are with me day in and day out and don’t change after I repeatedly expressed my unhappiness.

Material for my second book.

In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!