So I was super successful in my endeavors in bringing joy and more people into the home I live.  But before I could host the party I had to bring the home back out from under spider webs and gray, dusty chandeliers.  All this prep work began subconsciously and consciously in October 2011. And it was pretty much a full time job.  We hired an actual cleaning woman (although keeping the existing one is painful).  There were countless pieces of silver to polish and for the sheer idiotic fact I will not mention how many chandeliers there were to be cleaned by expert window washers (who will return in the Spring once the raining has ceased)  All this work of making sure each room was dusted, vacuumed, all the bathrooms immaculately cleaned, floors polished etc etc.  And thus all this culminated to a wonderful Christmas Party where the food was a hit as was all the lovely company.  It may now be an annual event.  (Much to my happy surprise).

It was a fabulous time and I loved it. And my health was great – no ache’s – no flare-ups – no RA.  I was feeling fabulous.

However, January started and I have been in a low awful ache each day.  And I can’t get around it…I am completely stumped and pissed-off at the same time.  I am tired of hurting.  Eat morning before I even open my eyes I will move my body and immediately feel the pain in my knees or in my shoulders or in my hand.  My pain in my hands is a trip.  It’s not just the knuckles that are in your hands at the base of your fingers, but the knuckles in the middle of each finger and hurt – I am exhausted.  The shitty thing is by the end of the day I feel better and the ache has subsided so I fall asleep with the expectation that tomorrow when I wake up I will feel whole again only to have the pain travel to another part of my body!!

On January 12,  2006 I was diagnosed with RA – 6 years ago.  I do believe this disease is a marker to show how I feel on the inside – that my psyche wants people to know how I ache on the inside – so my immune system attacks my joints.   I just don’t have the wherewithall to understand right now what it is that I am beating myself up with.  Am I in a fog with my insights?  Usually I am not one to fear or run away from challenges and this has been a repeated daily challenge with no ease or release of pain.  All I could imagine is to create some sort of structure in my daily life with morning stretches, meditation and writing and hope that I can put an end to this nagging ache.

Perhaps my self nagging nature of how I am not accomplishing anything daily towards my goal of writing my book is the catalyst of joint pain.  Only one way to determine if that is true.  Write every day.  I already have the outline…..