I have done a lot of work and have uncovered, inspected, examined & looked under many of the rocks from my past.  Some of the larger rocks/boulders have been rape, neglect, abuse and abandonment.

I have written a book/memoire in hopes that when kids and young adults read the book, they can find their inner voices, see that life won’t always be that way and hopefully any of the abused kids will know they can make better choices in their lives.  Things can and will change.  Life can be good.

Some areas in my life today are still a struggle.  Trust being the one claiming my attention the most.  It is truly a trust of self – being that I can instill my trust in others a little to easily & quickly.  And because I don’t realize I give my trust so quickly, I find myself doubting, my trust wavering, that I spin out about it and it may consume a large part of my peaceful state.

By nature I am a trusting individual, in that I believe most of the people in my world are of good nature and worthy of trust.  I am not wrong in that perception. What blindsides me is when I begin to doubt my initial belief in people and begin to imagine that I am wrong and those around me are not being truthful.

You see, my trust in others has nothing to do in the action of the other person.  It all surrounds me and my self doubt and doubt of my own judgement.  I am not sure when I will truly be able to trust myself and my judgment or actual belief in those who I choose to have around me, not sure what it would look like to be somewhat certain that I am surrounded by ones who love me and who hold my trust in them with regard.  Don’t know what those around me would have to do to prove it or if would want them too.

I just know today that I struggle with my issues of trust of my choices and it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in that struggle, however I know that feelings do not rule my world or identify who I am.  So with the uncomfortable feelings, they are just that and not facts.  With each experience of this uncomfortableness I grow stronger in the experience my choices are good ones, and no one, to date has let me down.

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I woke up crying…sad that I had invested in a life for many years and decided to walk away when it was not all that I had hoped it would be.  I don’t blame the other person for the break-up, but I am incredibly sadden by my inability to take better care of myself in that relationship.  While I was in the relationship, I did grow and learn how to make myself satisfied in so many ways, yet it was lonely.  I was unheard, unseen, for too long, so my sadness stems from me not speaking up and taking better care of myself.

Thus, the tears are because I had a wonderful opportunity to take care of myself in so many better ways than I did and I lost an incredible opportunity.

I know I can not change an individual if they do not want to change.  Especially, if they are with me day in and day out and don’t change after I repeatedly expressed my unhappiness.

Material for my second book.

I remember.

September 10, 2011

ok – after waking and realizing that the workmen were already here and working = I am late.  I did all the things  I usually do in a hasty manor and forget the main objective of each day is to write. So I finally remembered and here I am. Without fear of judgment or rejection.

On My mind at the moment is how long does one get punished for past misdeeds? Will the kids ever forgive the way our relationship started or not? I do know if they are not willing to forgive, but I do feel they are not willing to have me be in their lives more and perhaps staying involved will continue to be a source of pain for them. It doesn’t mean that I will not be in relationship with their dad – or maybe it will mean he and I will have to redefine our relationship. I don’t know. I do know that I wont be subjected to always be the outcast. I love them and it would hurt very much and as much HOPE  I have that it will all change, I also have the greatest amount of anger in the powerless feeling no matter what I do, they will never forgive.

I have choices!

As for my health today = my throat continues to hurt and first walk up the stairs I ached all over and again no appetite.  I am taking the Chinese herbs as prescribed but not the meds yet. I will get those today from pharmacy, and perhaps go the homeopathic pharmacy to get and show all that I am currently taking.  I want to feel better – about everything.  I want have joy and I do know that I can give myself that joy.  It is up to me.