2 months; 21 years

August 13, 2011

Today has been just over 2 months since my mother passed away and 21 years since my father passed away.   I loved my mother from a safe, safe distance; however my love for my father was and still is so close to heart.   I was 22 when he passed.  My life with him is almost passed by my life without him; physically.  However since my 22nd year my daddy has been with me in my heart every day.  I can’t say the same for my mother.

I’ve been on a fabulous two week European vacation with my partner and his three daughters.  It was wonderful to see these beautiful little women love up their daddy from time to time.  Although I am in my 40’s I wish I could still love up my daddy the same way.  His loss in my life has left a void that I know today can never be filled, but it is not a black hole, it is one that shed’s light and helps me see that I still have a lot of love to share and give.  And because if his generous spirit I am able to love.  If I had solely my mother’s love as an example in my life, I would certainly not be half the person I am today.

My mother was not capable to see me as a person separate from her and her needs.  And this confused me for many years.  There was a moment when we were driving home from the airport that my immediate automatic worrisome thought of my mother came to mind.  The thought of is she well, is she suffering or sick – is she going to call to yell at me for not calling her.  A heartbeat later I realized that I need not worry about her anymore.  She is now in a place of peace.  For that I feel relief.

I will go visit my father’s grave and place flowers and spend time at the place that he personally picked because of its view over the freeway.  His passion was to drive.  I know he is with me in my heart but I’ve come to see now  his grave is a place of public honor for him and for many years I would not go because he was not there because I personally grieved for him in my “own” way.  Today I feel different today.