Powerless Again

February 18, 2010

Ok so I do not know how to put this in words but I am really upset about the fact that my friend and co-worker has been laid off. I will miss her very much. I am worried that she has not found another job. I am so concerned for her well being and future; although I hope she is resilient this is still a big blow to her. And I couldn’t stop it. The powerlessness of that is at the base of why I want another job. I hate feeling this way – powerless and unable to save her. The injustice she has experienced by a fear driven malicious man is torture and I want no part of it anymore. It really hurts because she has done nothing but work hard and be committed to this job and has been dismissed as if she has nothing to offer.

I want out I want a change. God help me find a good change! I don’t want to be in place where I am in constant difference with my boss – where I say blue and says red. Contradiction is the constant and I can’t stand it. I tried 2 years and no more…please no more.

As her last day draws nearer I feel an impending feeling of doom lingering. Not as palpable as she is feeling because I have seen her suffer as well. The increasing pressure and exaggerations of how powerless and ineffective I was to save her is becoming more real. Paralyzing me as an exhibit of my feelings.

I need help in getting through this. Today I’ve had more good cry about it. And today I lay these words. Its not enough and I am angry.

Too much power

February 16, 2010

I am working with amazing women.  I grew up with amazing women but in a negative way.  My mother and sister were not my role-model citizens nor the warm and fuzzy type either.  I’ve not spoken to my mother in a number of months.  I’ve not answered the phone when she has called nor do I have a need to dial her number just to hear her voice.  And I am amazed that I am “That” daughter.  I feel the need to define “that”.  Society by a major reveres their mothers.  Honor thy mother, mothers day, Mom knows best etc.  I’d like to know which mother was the role model or the idol for all these “mothering” traditions.  I no longer want my mother in my life feel no need to honor her and thus am not one in alliance with societies view.

Don’t get me wrong.  The actual act of conceiving and a woman carrying a child in her for no more than 9 months is a miracle.  Giving birth is an absolute miracle.  I was born in the 60’s so I am sure that smoking and drinking are a part of my dna make-up.  However I was born at 7 months, perhaps an early indication that I already knew I wanted no part of my mother’s life because the first 18 years were full of a lot of anger directed at me in many, many ways. I honored my mother by never hitting her back, I honored my mother by always going where she demanded I go and be at her side and not having a life of my own. I honored my mother by not running away and becoming a homeless kid in Hollywood which during the 70’s there were several walking the streets.  But she is unable to see that she has done anything wrong because she is protected under the guise of “mother” and again in our society “mother” can do no wrong.  At 18 I moved out and never looked back.  No college education, but no more physical abuse by anyone anymore.

Today my life is good.  Really good.  I don’t have a need for anything or a want that I can not attain materialistic.  But emotionally I am stuck.  Really stuck in all the emotions that as a child I was not allowed to have, and today am completely overwhelmed by them which sometimes paralyzes me.  I’m stuck.  I am my own worst enemy in that I continue to live in the past unable to see what is real today.  The act of punishing, criticizing, ridicule and anger are an active cycle in my day to day life and no one is here today is doing it to me EXCEP ME!  I want it to stop. And I am no different than the old cliché that it is all my mother’s fault.  But you see, the mind, although it knows that I don’t take her calls or return them, her voice, her actions and her anger are still inside me – part of my dna.

I want my own power and I will continue to look for guidance with the wonderful women in my life today.  Ironic isn’t it.

Strong Bodies

February 15, 2010

I am in awe at the bodies of each of the Olympic Athletes.  I am in awe of the body.  As the mogul skiers hit each mogul with their knees tight, their bodies human shot absorbers.  The figure skaters maintaing balance as they land on one ice skate, foot, knee, thigh, one leg after being hurled across the ice.

I don’t want to feel any pain thus I do not put or push my body to any limit at all.   Yet I want to look like an athlete. Not to mention that I have no faith that my body is or will ever be that strong.  Can be strong.  HA HA HA.  Talk about disconnect.