Frustrated

September 18, 2011

So as a result of my thyroid issue – I looked in the Louise L. Hay book You Can Heal Your Life to determine what is the cause of my newly diagnosed hypothyroidism and this is what it said; “Giving up.  Feeling hopelessly stifled.”

OK – the areas I feel stifled:

  1. not writing – my fault
  2. being accepted as a true family member by the girls – yeah hopeless feeling and sometimes a strong desire to give it up
  3. my inability to save money
  4. my inability to be more health conscious

Her remedy is “I create a new life with new rules that totally support me.” I don’t even know where to begin with that one, honestly.

OK ways I am currently supported:

  1. 100% financially by E

OK – I guess I need to do another step before this and figure out how do I want/need support…

  1. Financial = E and me
  2. Emotional = E, my girl pals, Tina, and me
  3. Physical = E and me with acupuncture and trainer and doctor and Grinberg and Tanda and Daniel
  4. Psychological = me, my girl pals, E and Tina

Am I missing anything?  I have a boat, no, a ship load of support, and yet I’m giving up?

It appears I am doing something wrong in that I have no more of a financial worrisome survivor need in that I am totally taken care of, but the fact that I am apparently giving up now baffles the fuck out of me. AND MAKES ME ANGRY! Not to mention thoroughly embarrassed at how poorly I am failing to make good with all the wonderful and powerful gifts I have been given.  I remember wishing and telling myself that if I didn’t have to work I could accomplish so much. Or if I didn’t have to worry about money, I would be so happy and productive.  Ha Ha Ha. Well those wishes have come true and I have succeeded at not a whole lot.  Truly not a whole lot.

I had a conversation with a friend who told me my body has been in over-drive for many more years than I realize, and maybe she is right.  I don’t have the crystal ball which determines that if I had stayed at my job that my body would not break down in any other “worse” way than it already has.  But I do know that something in me has to change.  I moved into a less demanding lifestyle 2 years ago.  And within those 2 years I don’t know if my self demanding ways have changed or not.  My mind certainly continues to have the very loud critical voice however, as I shared yesterday, it is a little less vocal.

I am a bit at a loss.  This thyroid issue has slammed me on my ass.  All I can think of is to do something different – or more of the same — just better.  I don’t know.

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