The Witch is Dead

November 6, 2016

While at a lovely dinner with my future step-daughter, I get call after call from numbers I do not recognize.  I don’t answer because our long awaited pizza arrives.  I see the voice mail transcript telling me my cousin (brother to the asshole that raped me) is calling saying he loves and misses me.  I am shocked and touched at the same time.  He was a good guy, nothing like his older asshole for a brother.  This prompts me to call my bestest  cousin who tells me that “she” has died, yesterday!  She being the Aunt who called me a “whore” after seeing the blood on the sheets of the bed where he son took advantage of me when I was 8.  She who threatened me to not tell anyone.

Talking to my besets cousin, she reminded me that forgiveness has nothing to do with her, its all about me, but I am not there yet.  I never wanted to see her or give her forgiveness.  I just know she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her or her asshole son.  Knowing she is no longer walking the earth helps me feel I no longer will see her, but as women who have died in my family have done in the past, they come to me in their dreams.  Tonight I am not looking forward to going to sleep….not for a few nights.

I wonder if my good guy cousin has reached out to me now, after she past, as a way of contrition for his mothers’ actions.  He and I have texted one another, but I am not ready to have a conversation with him directly.  I told him I was sorry for his loss, because she was his mother..but I am not sorry I am no longer going to be wondering about her anymore.  Hell is having a rumble this week, between my aunt and my mother and thank goodness my father is in heaven and not wrapped up in all their drama.

Between Two Men

February 22, 2012

I am blessed to be living with the two most impressive, intelligent, supportive men I have known (with the exception of my own father who passed in 1990). One is my partner and the other is his father. My love for them is immense.  However, (I Know) watching them navigate their relationship can be very trying at times. Since I am somewhat new to their family dynamic I can clearly see the history and patterns of misunderstandings, lack of communication and preconceived ideals which has prevailed for years.
When I see this play out in front of my eyes time and time again I get conflicting whole body sensations, one of walking a tightrope above New York (al la Philippe Petit) and the other to yell at the top of my voice to shake up the tense line and say STOP! Each of you get out of your own way, step back and accept one another….
Sloppy I know but that is my experience. I know they are each capable of loving and accepting one another for who they are because that is exactly what my experience is with each of them.
My personal goal for their relationship is to assist (more by example than yelling) each of them to let go of the past angers, past resentments, past preconceived ideas of what each person should be and give today all the possibilities it has to start a new.  Leave the hurt and resentments behind – which is in no way easy – but if practiced on a daily basis, it does get easier, and you have a lot less to weigh you down.

I remember.

September 10, 2011

ok – after waking and realizing that the workmen were already here and working = I am late.  I did all the things  I usually do in a hasty manor and forget the main objective of each day is to write. So I finally remembered and here I am. Without fear of judgment or rejection.

On My mind at the moment is how long does one get punished for past misdeeds? Will the kids ever forgive the way our relationship started or not? I do know if they are not willing to forgive, but I do feel they are not willing to have me be in their lives more and perhaps staying involved will continue to be a source of pain for them. It doesn’t mean that I will not be in relationship with their dad – or maybe it will mean he and I will have to redefine our relationship. I don’t know. I do know that I wont be subjected to always be the outcast. I love them and it would hurt very much and as much HOPE  I have that it will all change, I also have the greatest amount of anger in the powerless feeling no matter what I do, they will never forgive.

I have choices!

As for my health today = my throat continues to hurt and first walk up the stairs I ached all over and again no appetite.  I am taking the Chinese herbs as prescribed but not the meds yet. I will get those today from pharmacy, and perhaps go the homeopathic pharmacy to get and show all that I am currently taking.  I want to feel better – about everything.  I want have joy and I do know that I can give myself that joy.  It is up to me.