I remember.

September 10, 2011

ok – after waking and realizing that the workmen were already here and working = I am late.  I did all the things  I usually do in a hasty manor and forget the main objective of each day is to write. So I finally remembered and here I am. Without fear of judgment or rejection.

On My mind at the moment is how long does one get punished for past misdeeds? Will the kids ever forgive the way our relationship started or not? I do know if they are not willing to forgive, but I do feel they are not willing to have me be in their lives more and perhaps staying involved will continue to be a source of pain for them. It doesn’t mean that I will not be in relationship with their dad – or maybe it will mean he and I will have to redefine our relationship. I don’t know. I do know that I wont be subjected to always be the outcast. I love them and it would hurt very much and as much HOPE  I have that it will all change, I also have the greatest amount of anger in the powerless feeling no matter what I do, they will never forgive.

I have choices!

As for my health today = my throat continues to hurt and first walk up the stairs I ached all over and again no appetite.  I am taking the Chinese herbs as prescribed but not the meds yet. I will get those today from pharmacy, and perhaps go the homeopathic pharmacy to get and show all that I am currently taking.  I want to feel better – about everything.  I want have joy and I do know that I can give myself that joy.  It is up to me.

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