Consistency to me means a lack of freedom, so I avoid it at all costs. However, I know that with consistency I have freedom from my constant critical self. Ugh.


So Far So Good…

December 29, 2009

Well I have survived the Holidays so far.  Aside from one moment of temporary insanity (the one spat with my man),  I was successful in taking up more space in my world.  And those who know me, know that I do not like the feeling of taking up space or attention to myself.  But I literally did take up physical space of two more rooms in this house of theirs.  The first room, we, with the help of the “grandkids” and the “Holidays” we have claimed was the library. It will now reside for years to come as our home for the Christmas Tree,  where we exchanged gifts and place the stockings for Santa to find and fill.  It was a perfect setting this year and lent it self further so that  after we opened up gifts we sat around and played the New Moon board game I had given the girls as a family fun gift.  It was pretty great in that they loved their gifts and were not looking at the clock waiting to get back home to their originals gifts of the Christmas morning in their original home.

The second room is the dining room which was off- limits for almost 3 years.  It hanow s been restored to its original purpose and was made available for me to host a Christmas Eve dinner for my family of 9 (including my man, his dad and me of course).  Although, in my eyes and sad to my ego, my man’s eyes as well, dinner itself was a bit lacking.  But the event as a whole was pretty spectacular with general eating, drinking and continual conversation.  The night before the dinner I was so excited to share the house with my family and play hostess, that  I could not sleep.  I felt like a child of 4 or 5  who couldn’t wait till morning to open her  gifts.   And the fact that I had something to get excited over was itself a real treat.

As a result of  these two accomplishments I think I have had a peek of who I want to be when I grow up.  There is still a lot to master at being a better hostess and cook;  the timing of when to bring the food out, what are the proper dishes to use for each serving, how to keep the food warm while everyone serves themselves, etc.  etc…  Oh!!! And another magnificent first was that I was able to use the dishwashers – both at the same time!!!  And they worked!!! No telling how many years they sat there unused but they came through in the clean-up of dinner plus the pots and pans.

So, so far so good it a good state of being during this time of year and I may even venture to say that there may be something else out there to get excited about soon enough.

Whose been naughty or nice

December 21, 2009

I have been convinced that in order to balance all the awful injustices created in my life when I was a child, I was going to  tip the scale back and become an everlasting fair, loving and supported person;  in all aspects of my life forever!!  Now that I am in my 40’s and have had plenty of causes since my childhood to not be nice, I find it very difficult to move from one extreme to the other.  What I mean is that I have been a witness to extreme acts of violence, anger and abuse.  My coping mechanism as a child was to retreat in ward and tell myself that it would soon be over.  In the small instances that I did try to fight back, the retribution was escalated, and I learned early don’t.  In my adulthood I still do this to a certain extent which equals to me swallowing many years anger years.  Doing, this I am convinced, has created a chronic condition in my body called Rheumatoid Arthritis – I am convinced of it.

I’ve been working with a pain specialist, Rachel, for over 2 months.  My initial diagnosis was to treat the pain caused by my R A.  However, in this work  it is very apparent that I am a learning to not swallow my anger and to experience it.  But that step from anger to violence my body readily remembers stops my mind from taking any action.  I do not want to recreate the violence so I continue to swallow and hope that it will pass.

I have also learned with Rachel that I am a very healthy woman and I want to enjoy “well-being.”

Just as much as my body memory continues to  live with the past atrocities, I can learn today to live with body full joy and free from pain.  And it all begins and ends with DEEP BREATH.

My learning will take me down roads of not wanting to be naughty or to be continually nice and on those roads I hope to find a new balance of both emotions with an equal weight in my adult coupled with total well being.

I did it again…

December 18, 2009

So I agreed with my favorite writer that I would write a sentence everyday – well feeling excited – yet overwhelmed – at the committment, I let my emotional conflict stop my heart’s desire – skipped my first day, yesterday. But look two sentences today. Hooray!! Right??

One Sentence. Every day.

December 16, 2009

So life will go by  –  observed.

Because I can.

My wishes go forward, float up up up on the wings of friendship, hope and knowing.

Hello world!

December 16, 2009

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