It’s Been A While

August 26, 2018

The happy traps of living the life I worked hard to achieve and had envisioned is here.  I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary.  I am starting a new career as a realtor here in Arizona.  I am adjusting to the slower life-wave of Arizona. And with all of that I wake up happy everyday.

Since 1990 I have continually been in some type self examination;   sitting across from several individual therapists, including being fired as a client by one therapist, doing hand analysis, Enneagram work, Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholic rooms, Discovery Balance at the Betty Ford Center, The Grinberg Method body healing, journal writing,  sitting in a Rheumatologist therapy room receiving infusions, and meditation.

Since 2016 I have been in a relationship where I am loved, appreciated, and I am able to accept that love and appreciation without fear or doubt.  I freely choose to love and cherish my husband and trust that what we have is wonderful, is authentic and surprisingly, it seems effortless.

The 28 years of self examination I have learned to trust my choices, my feelings.  Those years I always strived for a better life, a better understanding of what I have to offer and who I wanted to be.  Today, I am proud of the woman and wife I have become.

I am still new at being a step-mom and believe I have more to learn to be better.  But I have tools to use, communication, validation, and a new found confidence that I can be a positive role model for these two young ladies my husband shares with me.  Again a result of the work I have done, because my mother was no mother to be acknowledged or appreciated.

I am still a work in progress.  By no means anywhere near perfect, which is not what I am striving for, but knowing and being away of my flaws and the conscious struggle of not letting them take my wheel of my life, is a continuing effort.  Probably one that will be with me until my last breath.

Today I strive for something new.  Today I strive for a better life for me AND my husband.  I want us to live a long, healthy, life together.  I want us to travel to Europe together and see it with him through his eyes.  Trying new foods, and smells, and languages together.

In my previous relationships I had placed my partners dreams and desires above my own needs and dreams.  Not anymore because each day I wake living and applying all my hard work, loving my life.

 

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Motherless Child

December 10, 2017

I had an angry, volatile, drunken women telling me what to do for most of my life.  This woman was the same person who brought me into this world.  Who repeatedly told me I was bad, had ugly hair, could not be or speak like my Argentinian father.  Demanded that she had to live with me because I was her youngest daughter and it was my responsibility.

I am in fear that her spirit is haunting my new home, my new life that I have created.  I have created, in spite of her and her upbringing and her beliefs of what she thought I was, I have love and joy and happiness everyday.  I know what loves is.  How it feels to receive it and how it feels to give it.

I moved out at 18.  But I did not detach from her until my 30’s.  Until after the death of my father, a failed marriage and finding the right fit of help from a therapist and 12 step meetings. I was able to give up the hope that she would miraculously become my image of a loving person who was happy that I was in her life.  Was proud of my independence and supported my hopes and dreams.

She was a narcissist in the worst way.  The sad point about that is that my being an extension of herself, the loathing that she exhibited in herself was transferred to me because she loathed herself in the same manner.  She couldn’t help but be brutal to me because she was brutal to herself as well.  That is all she knew.

I loved her.  I hated her.  I don’t miss her.  I don’t ever remember gaining comfort from her.  But for years when she was alive I wanted acceptance from her.  I wanted her approval.  And the day I heard that she had died, I felt orphaned – although I had not seen her in years and maybe had spoken to her on the phone once a year.  But she still haunts me.

It sneaks up on me…

September 10, 2017

When I (you) don’t expect it.

When everything is going as planned.

But I (you) still feel defective.

How do you silence the old fears, old hurts, old insecurities….

BREATHE…LOOK AROUND AND SEE WHERE THE LOVE COMES IN…..

DO YOUR BEST TO SEE THE LOVE…FEEL IT!

 

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On June 23 we were surrounded by family and friends who love and support our relationship.  People who have witnessed our past relationships and understand how incredible it is for both of us to be here together today.  It was the happiest day of my life.

In sharing our story, I see and hear how it touches others.  We are blessed and grateful to have really found each other again.  That in itself is wonderful, however the icing on the cake is that we really like the people who we are today.  Each of us learning from our past relationships, taking what we liked and leaving what we didn’t.  He is a happy person by nature and I have learned too that I am a happy person by nature.  Together, our lives are complete.

 

 

Deprived

March 27, 2017

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So I am trying to refrain from using credit cards – the flip side is – I am teaching myself to live debt free.  I am also learning I have an emotional connection to my credit cards.  The freedom to use them (an not having the cash to pay them off at the end of month) was a prime example of how I would not allow myself to feel deprived.  I would not consider the consequences of using them or know exactly how much I was spending a month.

For the past year I have been living with a man who pays cash for everything and if he does not have the cash, he does not buy it…regardless of emotion or need.  He has not starved himself, does not dress in raggedly looking clothing, and we can go out to dinner or have a good time.  He/We have a wonderful life together.

He has opened my eyes and helped me see a life that is good on budget.  And I have grown ashamed of my inability to limit my spending and see how it has negatively impacted our future.

This is not easy.  I have been in a mild form simultaneous depression and contemplation,  trying not to beat myself up for being blind and neglectful of my finances.  Like quitting smoking, this for me is a moment by moment process.   And currently I am at an extreme mode of not leaving the house because I do not want to be somewhere where I may have to spend money.  Today at the grocery store (which use to be my favorite place to spend most of my money) I bought bare essentials, only spending $18.00 (I use to spend $200 – $300).

So with my man’s help, this April, one credit card is paid off  and 2 more by the end of July. Being completely honest with him has humbled me. And learning to not spend money is process.

I appreciate WordPress

February 22, 2017

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My desire to be a writer began in December 2009.  I had a great encouragement by a good friend who had been published.  She led me step by step here to WordPress and showed me how to begin a blog.  Thank you CJ.

I did a few, very few blogs since then, but WordPress has remained steady and sure and here – a wonderful constant.  Something that I could count on.

In 2015 I finished my book and in the process of sending out queries to agents.

On WordPress I am also finding a wonderful community of fellow self healers, fun seekers, dog lovers, and self-aware great writers.

So, WordPress, please continue being my beacon, anchor and thank you for sticking around all these years!

Truly Conflicted

February 21, 2017

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I have not had the blessing of being a mother in this lifetime.  When I get the question of “do you have children?” I simply respond by saying “I hope to be blessed with children in my next lifetime.” This usually garners a surprised response without pity.  The reasons are many and valid.  The timing of when I got pregnant – the one time – I was way to young.  And when I made that decision I thought there would be other opportunities in my life to bring a child into the world at a time with two loving parents, when I was mature and able to financially support my child, away from my abusive, all consuming family.

In my late 20’s I got married but after a few years, my husband was a depressed individual who was a child in my eyes, so bringing another child into the world and having to care for two, well it was more than I could handle.  That marriage after 7 years ended.  I could not have a child with a man I did not feel supported by, or trusted and when the marriage was going south, I no longer respected.  I guess the need to be a “mommy” wasn’t that great – but I beg to differ – thus the conflicted emotions.

I know many women who had children with men for the sake of becoming mothers.  I find that action incredibly selfish and manipulative.  Having the child is never about the child but about fulfilling their need to be a mom.  And after the child is born, that child’s every action is a reflection upon their mother.  How is that healthy for a child?  The child’s existence is solely to fulfill their mother’s dreams.  Ouch.  And the father of the child is relegated as third class whose opinions, values and experience is not wanted.  The father’s income is all that is really welcomed – as a means to and end that he never agreed to.  Men for you I feel sorry when this has happened.

I am now with a wonderful man, who I had dreamed about having a child with many times (he was my first love and we have reunited after 30 years).  He and I would have been great parents together, if we only connected 10 years ago… but we are both well passed the age to bring a child into this world.  We just had a preggers scare and we had a good heart to heart both acknowledging that if I was pregnant having a child at our age is really not in the best interest of the child, and we would struggle.  My desire to have a child, although dormant for a long time, woke up and now I am sad.  I am not pregnant but for the week of not knowing – not wanting to take the pregnancy test – I let myself fantasize of what it would have been to have the miracle experience of brining life into this world.  Now with all the other boxes ticked-off.  Except the main one…we are too old.  Again another valid reason.  I will roll with the emotions, cry when I feel the need and in time this will be a memory.

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Just saw the movie…and I am emotionally wrecked (if you haven’t seen it, then this post will be a spoiler alert).  I have had many dogs in my lifetime and now I am reliving the death of each of them….ugh, really?  Do we really need to relive those memories AND the fact that we lose the ones we have? I am grateful for each of them, Little-bit, Buddy, Rocky, La Rue, Bella and now Faline is in my life….each one had their own personalities and were companions in different ways.  Truly grateful.

The final message is true – be in the moment, cause that is how dogs exist.  But the premise that dogs reincarnate and find their favorite owner….hmmm.  Too hard to fathom, but it made a nice story.

I have should have known that I would be wrecked seeing a dog movie because to this day I still ball when I see the movie Benji…sob like the child I was when I first saw it.

The jury is in, and we have our winners for the 2016 Ebell Playwright Prize! Congratulations to Madeline Puccioni, Jody Gehrman and Jessica Silvetti. Read about the plays and playwrights here. On Sunday, March 5, 2017, The Ebell Club will honor Ms Puccioni with a staged reading of Cyclone Dancing, followed by a light supper at […]

via 2016 Winners Announced — The Ebell of Los Angeles Playwright Prize

Stillness

February 7, 2017

I turned the TV off early this morning in order to not get consumed by the constant chatter of how all actions or reactions are being reported.  I just got off of Facebook and feel worse for having being on it.  I posted about the upcoming Baseball Spring Training – being my first full Spring in Phoenix – I am astounded at all the teams playing here in the “Cactus League.” I posted in hopes of giving friends something to look forward to!

Before all that, during the day, I was still.

I watched a hummingbird land and drink from the feeder I just purchased and put up.

I watched a squirrel run across my yard, up over the pool equipment, onto the mason wall and scurry really fast across the wall to the neighbors yard.

I heard the birds chirp and sing and enjoyed their melodies.

Listened to my dog bark in response to the neighbor dogs’ bark and wonder what they are communicating, because there was a rhythm to it.

Felt the lips of my fiancee as he came home for lunch from work.  Really took in the meeting of lips, soft and firm all at once.

Felt the nudge of my german shepherds nose as she demanded to be acknowledged and hugged.  (she needs a bath)

These moments may not be life changing, but they do alter my mood.  Help me get in touch with what matters in my day to day life, my overall need for order and peace in my day to day functions.  Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply concerned for the future of this country and believe we are in a “crossroads.” One road  could lead to more unity and inclusion or the ill fated road of haves and have nots.  I feel like I am living in a novel.  It just doesn’t feel real.  Sadly its true.  So today I chose stillness, tomorrow I will choose stillness only because I know it calms me.  But don’t mistake stillness for inaction.  My stillness gives me the space to come to an action, an action full of thoughtfulness, contemplation and hope.

Choosing stillness is choosing the self.