Deprived

March 27, 2017

ARIZ3892

So I am trying to refrain from using credit cards – the flip side is – I am teaching myself to live debt free.  I am also learning I have an emotional connection to my credit cards.  The freedom to use them (an not having the cash to pay them off at the end of month) was a prime example of how I would not allow myself to feel deprived.  I would not consider the consequences of using them or know exactly how much I was spending a month.

For the past year I have been living with a man who pays cash for everything and if he does not have the cash, he does not buy it…regardless of emotion or need.  He has not starved himself, does not dress in raggedly looking clothing, and we can go out to dinner or have a good time.  He/We have a wonderful life together.

He has opened my eyes and helped me see a life that is good on budget.  And I have grown ashamed of my inability to limit my spending and see how it has negatively impacted our future.

This is not easy.  I have been in a mild form simultaneous depression and contemplation,  trying not to beat myself up for being blind and neglectful of my finances.  Like quitting smoking, this for me is a moment by moment process.   And currently I am at an extreme mode of not leaving the house because I do not want to be somewhere where I may have to spend money.  Today at the grocery store (which use to be my favorite place to spend most of my money) I bought bare essentials, only spending $18.00 (I use to spend $200 – $300).

So with my man’s help, this April, one credit card is paid off  and 2 more by the end of July. Being completely honest with him has humbled me. And learning to not spend money is process.

I appreciate WordPress

February 22, 2017

img_1400

 

My desire to be a writer began in December 2009.  I had a great encouragement by a good friend who had been published.  She led me step by step here to WordPress and showed me how to begin a blog.  Thank you CJ.

I did a few, very few blogs since then, but WordPress has remained steady and sure and here – a wonderful constant.  Something that I could count on.

In 2015 I finished my book and in the process of sending out queries to agents.

On WordPress I am also finding a wonderful community of fellow self healers, fun seekers, dog lovers, and self-aware great writers.

So, WordPress, please continue being my beacon, anchor and thank you for sticking around all these years!

Truly Conflicted

February 21, 2017

img_1390

I have not had the blessing of being a mother in this lifetime.  When I get the question of “do you have children?” I simply respond by saying “I hope to be blessed with children in my next lifetime.” This usually garners a surprised response without pity.  The reasons are many and valid.  The timing of when I got pregnant – the one time – I was way to young.  And when I made that decision I thought there would be other opportunities in my life to bring a child into the world at a time with two loving parents, when I was mature and able to financially support my child, away from my abusive, all consuming family.

In my late 20’s I got married but after a few years, my husband was a depressed individual who was a child in my eyes, so bringing another child into the world and having to care for two, well it was more than I could handle.  That marriage after 7 years ended.  I could not have a child with a man I did not feel supported by, or trusted and when the marriage was going south, I no longer respected.  I guess the need to be a “mommy” wasn’t that great – but I beg to differ – thus the conflicted emotions.

I know many women who had children with men for the sake of becoming mothers.  I find that action incredibly selfish and manipulative.  Having the child is never about the child but about fulfilling their need to be a mom.  And after the child is born, that child’s every action is a reflection upon their mother.  How is that healthy for a child?  The child’s existence is solely to fulfill their mother’s dreams.  Ouch.  And the father of the child is relegated as third class whose opinions, values and experience is not wanted.  The father’s income is all that is really welcomed – as a means to and end that he never agreed to.  Men for you I feel sorry when this has happened.

I am now with a wonderful man, who I had dreamed about having a child with many times (he was my first love and we have reunited after 30 years).  He and I would have been great parents together, if we only connected 10 years ago… but we are both well passed the age to bring a child into this world.  We just had a preggers scare and we had a good heart to heart both acknowledging that if I was pregnant having a child at our age is really not in the best interest of the child, and we would struggle.  My desire to have a child, although dormant for a long time, woke up and now I am sad.  I am not pregnant but for the week of not knowing – not wanting to take the pregnancy test – I let myself fantasize of what it would have been to have the miracle experience of brining life into this world.  Now with all the other boxes ticked-off.  Except the main one…we are too old.  Again another valid reason.  I will roll with the emotions, cry when I feel the need and in time this will be a memory.

img_3203

Just saw the movie…and I am emotionally wrecked (if you haven’t seen it, then this post will be a spoiler alert).  I have had many dogs in my lifetime and now I am reliving the death of each of them….ugh, really?  Do we really need to relive those memories AND the fact that we lose the ones we have? I am grateful for each of them, Little-bit, Buddy, Rocky, La Rue, Bella and now Faline is in my life….each one had their own personalities and were companions in different ways.  Truly grateful.

The final message is true – be in the moment, cause that is how dogs exist.  But the premise that dogs reincarnate and find their favorite owner….hmmm.  Too hard to fathom, but it made a nice story.

I have should have known that I would be wrecked seeing a dog movie because to this day I still ball when I see the movie Benji…sob like the child I was when I first saw it.

The jury is in, and we have our winners for the 2016 Ebell Playwright Prize! Congratulations to Madeline Puccioni, Jody Gehrman and Jessica Silvetti. Read about the plays and playwrights here. On Sunday, March 5, 2017, The Ebell Club will honor Ms Puccioni with a staged reading of Cyclone Dancing, followed by a light supper at […]

via 2016 Winners Announced — The Ebell of Los Angeles Playwright Prize

Stillness

February 7, 2017

I turned the TV off early this morning in order to not get consumed by the constant chatter of how all actions or reactions are being reported.  I just got off of Facebook and feel worse for having being on it.  I posted about the upcoming Baseball Spring Training – being my first full Spring in Phoenix – I am astounded at all the teams playing here in the “Cactus League.” I posted in hopes of giving friends something to look forward to!

Before all that, during the day, I was still.

I watched a hummingbird land and drink from the feeder I just purchased and put up.

I watched a squirrel run across my yard, up over the pool equipment, onto the mason wall and scurry really fast across the wall to the neighbors yard.

I heard the birds chirp and sing and enjoyed their melodies.

Listened to my dog bark in response to the neighbor dogs’ bark and wonder what they are communicating, because there was a rhythm to it.

Felt the lips of my fiancee as he came home for lunch from work.  Really took in the meeting of lips, soft and firm all at once.

Felt the nudge of my german shepherds nose as she demanded to be acknowledged and hugged.  (she needs a bath)

These moments may not be life changing, but they do alter my mood.  Help me get in touch with what matters in my day to day life, my overall need for order and peace in my day to day functions.  Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply concerned for the future of this country and believe we are in a “crossroads.” One road  could lead to more unity and inclusion or the ill fated road of haves and have nots.  I feel like I am living in a novel.  It just doesn’t feel real.  Sadly its true.  So today I chose stillness, tomorrow I will choose stillness only because I know it calms me.  But don’t mistake stillness for inaction.  My stillness gives me the space to come to an action, an action full of thoughtfulness, contemplation and hope.

Choosing stillness is choosing the self.

The Witch is Dead

November 6, 2016

While at a lovely dinner with my future step-daughter, I get call after call from numbers I do not recognize.  I don’t answer because our long awaited pizza arrives.  I see the voice mail transcript telling me my cousin (brother to the asshole that raped me) is calling saying he loves and misses me.  I am shocked and touched at the same time.  He was a good guy, nothing like his older asshole for a brother.  This prompts me to call my bestest  cousin who tells me that “she” has died, yesterday!  She being the Aunt who called me a “whore” after seeing the blood on the sheets of the bed where he son took advantage of me when I was 8.  She who threatened me to not tell anyone.

Talking to my besets cousin, she reminded me that forgiveness has nothing to do with her, its all about me, but I am not there yet.  I never wanted to see her or give her forgiveness.  I just know she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her or her asshole son.  Knowing she is no longer walking the earth helps me feel I no longer will see her, but as women who have died in my family have done in the past, they come to me in their dreams.  Tonight I am not looking forward to going to sleep….not for a few nights.

I wonder if my good guy cousin has reached out to me now, after she past, as a way of contrition for his mothers’ actions.  He and I have texted one another, but I am not ready to have a conversation with him directly.  I told him I was sorry for his loss, because she was his mother..but I am not sorry I am no longer going to be wondering about her anymore.  Hell is having a rumble this week, between my aunt and my mother and thank goodness my father is in heaven and not wrapped up in all their drama.

Until I left

August 10, 2016

Version 2He neglected, ignored and rejected me…time and time again.  And I stayed.

He didn’t see me, hear me, touch me or want me…time and time again.  And I stayed.

He didn’t defend me, respect me, regard me…time and time again. And I stayed.

He didn’t understand that I loved, adored and wanted him….time and time again.

Until I left.

Deprived

August 5, 2016

Patch of Blue SkyI am in debt.  And being in this debt has been a source of many sleepless nights examining how I got into debt, why I am in debt and how do I stay out of debt.  I find myself in a spin cycle.

I grew up just under the middle class, almost poor.  My mother worked and we had a one bedroom apartment where she and I had to share a bed until I was about 16 (or when I was not living at my father’s home).  I remember not having any lunch or lunch money and that was either because of my mother’s neglect or we were in fact poor.  And our main food groups at home where rice and beans.

I recently ended a long term love relationship with a man who was very wealthy.  He gave me a lovely monthly salary, we lived together and I was able to retire and do work that was rewarding to my soul.  Work, volunteer work, with charities who focused their attention to the needs of women and children in Los Angeles.  I loved that aspect of my life.

I had a wonderful opportunity to advance my own financial security while I was in this relationship but utterly failed to do so.  So part of my spin cycle is looking at what my triggers are in needing to spend so much money, and why I failed to take care of my own future and security.  In part when I was in that relationship, as I have been in most of my past relationships, I didn’t think or want that relationship to end.  I was thoroughly committed.  I thought he and I would be together forever and I would not have to worry about my financial future.

I was wrong.  I was unhappy in the relationship for the last few years, and although I was examining my financial habit while in the relationship I still didn’t understand why I was spending so much money.

Part of me wants to blame him because he was not very interested in life, and my attempts to help him get interested failed.  So I spent money, and when I did, I got his attention.  As negative as it was, for the moment, he was paying attention to me.  A cry for help I guess.  But neither he nor I had the tools to navigate me away from this call and I sank again and again.  We both did.

Another part of me blames myself because I had this open wound of feeling deprived as a child and my inner child had hold of my checkbook and spent, spent, spent.  The crazy part (and I think my ex would agree) is I loved spending money on food.  I would love going to the grocery store and buying stuff for dinner almost daily.  Even now (on my limited budget) my greatest expenditure is at the  grocery store, only weekly now.  Sure when I was “retired” I loved buying clothes and shoes but that was never as satisfying as buying groceries.

So my sleepless nights have also been about how foolish I was, what a monumental opportunity I had and I blew it away, how am I going to rectifying it now.  And change?

I understand now, taking a few steps away from the issue, that in both my relationships, with my mother and my ex, I was neglected.  As a child I really had no recourse but in my adult relationship, my recourse was to extend his neglect of me and further it by myself and deprive my need for a secure future.

I have done a lot of work and have uncovered, inspected, examined & looked under many of the rocks from my past.  Some of the larger rocks/boulders have been rape, neglect, abuse and abandonment.

I have written a book/memoire in hopes that when kids and young adults read the book, they can find their inner voices, see that life won’t always be that way and hopefully any of the abused kids will know they can make better choices in their lives.  Things can and will change.  Life can be good.

Some areas in my life today are still a struggle.  Trust being the one claiming my attention the most.  It is truly a trust of self – being that I can instill my trust in others a little to easily & quickly.  And because I don’t realize I give my trust so quickly, I find myself doubting, my trust wavering, that I spin out about it and it may consume a large part of my peaceful state.

By nature I am a trusting individual, in that I believe most of the people in my world are of good nature and worthy of trust.  I am not wrong in that perception. What blindsides me is when I begin to doubt my initial belief in people and begin to imagine that I am wrong and those around me are not being truthful.

You see, my trust in others has nothing to do in the action of the other person.  It all surrounds me and my self doubt and doubt of my own judgement.  I am not sure when I will truly be able to trust myself and my judgment or actual belief in those who I choose to have around me, not sure what it would look like to be somewhat certain that I am surrounded by ones who love me and who hold my trust in them with regard.  Don’t know what those around me would have to do to prove it or if would want them too.

I just know today that I struggle with my issues of trust of my choices and it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in that struggle, however I know that feelings do not rule my world or identify who I am.  So with the uncomfortable feelings, they are just that and not facts.  With each experience of this uncomfortableness I grow stronger in the experience my choices are good ones, and no one, to date has let me down.