I appreciate WordPress

February 22, 2017

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My desire to be a writer began in December 2009.  I had a great encouragement by a good friend who had been published.  She led me step by step here to WordPress and showed me how to begin a blog.  Thank you CJ.

I did a few, very few blogs since then, but WordPress has remained steady and sure and here – a wonderful constant.  Something that I could count on.

In 2015 I finished my book and in the process of sending out queries to agents.

On WordPress I am also finding a wonderful community of fellow self healers, fun seekers, dog lovers, and self-aware great writers.

So, WordPress, please continue being my beacon, anchor and thank you for sticking around all these years!

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Truly Conflicted

February 21, 2017

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I have not had the blessing of being a mother in this lifetime.  When I get the question of “do you have children?” I simply respond by saying “I hope to be blessed with children in my next lifetime.” This usually garners a surprised response without pity.  The reasons are many and valid.  The timing of when I got pregnant – the one time – I was way to young.  And when I made that decision I thought there would be other opportunities in my life to bring a child into the world at a time with two loving parents, when I was mature and able to financially support my child, away from my abusive, all consuming family.

In my late 20’s I got married but after a few years, my husband was a depressed individual who was a child in my eyes, so bringing another child into the world and having to care for two, well it was more than I could handle.  That marriage after 7 years ended.  I could not have a child with a man I did not feel supported by, or trusted and when the marriage was going south, I no longer respected.  I guess the need to be a “mommy” wasn’t that great – but I beg to differ – thus the conflicted emotions.

I know many women who had children with men for the sake of becoming mothers.  I find that action incredibly selfish and manipulative.  Having the child is never about the child but about fulfilling their need to be a mom.  And after the child is born, that child’s every action is a reflection upon their mother.  How is that healthy for a child?  The child’s existence is solely to fulfill their mother’s dreams.  Ouch.  And the father of the child is relegated as third class whose opinions, values and experience is not wanted.  The father’s income is all that is really welcomed – as a means to and end that he never agreed to.  Men for you I feel sorry when this has happened.

I am now with a wonderful man, who I had dreamed about having a child with many times (he was my first love and we have reunited after 30 years).  He and I would have been great parents together, if we only connected 10 years ago… but we are both well passed the age to bring a child into this world.  We just had a preggers scare and we had a good heart to heart both acknowledging that if I was pregnant having a child at our age is really not in the best interest of the child, and we would struggle.  My desire to have a child, although dormant for a long time, woke up and now I am sad.  I am not pregnant but for the week of not knowing – not wanting to take the pregnancy test – I let myself fantasize of what it would have been to have the miracle experience of brining life into this world.  Now with all the other boxes ticked-off.  Except the main one…we are too old.  Again another valid reason.  I will roll with the emotions, cry when I feel the need and in time this will be a memory.

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Just saw the movie…and I am emotionally wrecked (if you haven’t seen it, then this post will be a spoiler alert).  I have had many dogs in my lifetime and now I am reliving the death of each of them….ugh, really?  Do we really need to relive those memories AND the fact that we lose the ones we have? I am grateful for each of them, Little-bit, Buddy, Rocky, La Rue, Bella and now Faline is in my life….each one had their own personalities and were companions in different ways.  Truly grateful.

The final message is true – be in the moment, cause that is how dogs exist.  But the premise that dogs reincarnate and find their favorite owner….hmmm.  Too hard to fathom, but it made a nice story.

I have should have known that I would be wrecked seeing a dog movie because to this day I still ball when I see the movie Benji…sob like the child I was when I first saw it.

The jury is in, and we have our winners for the 2016 Ebell Playwright Prize! Congratulations to Madeline Puccioni, Jody Gehrman and Jessica Silvetti. Read about the plays and playwrights here. On Sunday, March 5, 2017, The Ebell Club will honor Ms Puccioni with a staged reading of Cyclone Dancing, followed by a light supper at […]

via 2016 Winners Announced — The Ebell of Los Angeles Playwright Prize

Stillness

February 7, 2017

I turned the TV off early this morning in order to not get consumed by the constant chatter of how all actions or reactions are being reported.  I just got off of Facebook and feel worse for having being on it.  I posted about the upcoming Baseball Spring Training – being my first full Spring in Phoenix – I am astounded at all the teams playing here in the “Cactus League.” I posted in hopes of giving friends something to look forward to!

Before all that, during the day, I was still.

I watched a hummingbird land and drink from the feeder I just purchased and put up.

I watched a squirrel run across my yard, up over the pool equipment, onto the mason wall and scurry really fast across the wall to the neighbors yard.

I heard the birds chirp and sing and enjoyed their melodies.

Listened to my dog bark in response to the neighbor dogs’ bark and wonder what they are communicating, because there was a rhythm to it.

Felt the lips of my fiancee as he came home for lunch from work.  Really took in the meeting of lips, soft and firm all at once.

Felt the nudge of my german shepherds nose as she demanded to be acknowledged and hugged.  (she needs a bath)

These moments may not be life changing, but they do alter my mood.  Help me get in touch with what matters in my day to day life, my overall need for order and peace in my day to day functions.  Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply concerned for the future of this country and believe we are in a “crossroads.” One road  could lead to more unity and inclusion or the ill fated road of haves and have nots.  I feel like I am living in a novel.  It just doesn’t feel real.  Sadly its true.  So today I chose stillness, tomorrow I will choose stillness only because I know it calms me.  But don’t mistake stillness for inaction.  My stillness gives me the space to come to an action, an action full of thoughtfulness, contemplation and hope.

Choosing stillness is choosing the self.