Deprived

March 27, 2017

ARIZ3892

So I am trying to refrain from using credit cards – the flip side is – I am teaching myself to live debt free.  I am also learning I have an emotional connection to my credit cards.  The freedom to use them (an not having the cash to pay them off at the end of month) was a prime example of how I would not allow myself to feel deprived.  I would not consider the consequences of using them or know exactly how much I was spending a month.

For the past year I have been living with a man who pays cash for everything and if he does not have the cash, he does not buy it…regardless of emotion or need.  He has not starved himself, does not dress in raggedly looking clothing, and we can go out to dinner or have a good time.  He/We have a wonderful life together.

He has opened my eyes and helped me see a life that is good on budget.  And I have grown ashamed of my inability to limit my spending and see how it has negatively impacted our future.

This is not easy.  I have been in a mild form simultaneous depression and contemplation,  trying not to beat myself up for being blind and neglectful of my finances.  Like quitting smoking, this for me is a moment by moment process.   And currently I am at an extreme mode of not leaving the house because I do not want to be somewhere where I may have to spend money.  Today at the grocery store (which use to be my favorite place to spend most of my money) I bought bare essentials, only spending $18.00 (I use to spend $200 – $300).

So with my man’s help, this April, one credit card is paid off  and 2 more by the end of July. Being completely honest with him has humbled me. And learning to not spend money is process.

My reality today resembles nothing of what it was 10 years ago, phfft, even 3 years ago.  Is that the case for everyone?  Today I realize that no one is trying to hurt me anymore and although I am a child of abuse, I am no longer today living the abuse.  For the rest of my life I will continue to heal the little abused child inside but for today my life is beginning to feel good because the little child is not running my life.

But who is to say what reality really is?  There is clearly a voice on TV portraying what that “reality” will sell ad time. But what is being portrayed scares me to think that people are going to see that and judge that as a standard of true reality they may want to aspire to.  Where in truth, (truth being the operative word) everyone’s reality is something ethereal right?  Questions that these really spiral me out sometimes.