Whose been naughty or nice

December 21, 2009

I have been convinced that in order to balance all the awful injustices created in my life when I was a child, I was going to  tip the scale back and become an everlasting fair, loving and supported person;  in all aspects of my life forever!!  Now that I am in my 40’s and have had plenty of causes since my childhood to not be nice, I find it very difficult to move from one extreme to the other.  What I mean is that I have been a witness to extreme acts of violence, anger and abuse.  My coping mechanism as a child was to retreat in ward and tell myself that it would soon be over.  In the small instances that I did try to fight back, the retribution was escalated, and I learned early don’t.  In my adulthood I still do this to a certain extent which equals to me swallowing many years anger years.  Doing, this I am convinced, has created a chronic condition in my body called Rheumatoid Arthritis – I am convinced of it.

I’ve been working with a pain specialist, Rachel, for over 2 months.  My initial diagnosis was to treat the pain caused by my R A.  However, in this work  it is very apparent that I am a learning to not swallow my anger and to experience it.  But that step from anger to violence my body readily remembers stops my mind from taking any action.  I do not want to recreate the violence so I continue to swallow and hope that it will pass.

I have also learned with Rachel that I am a very healthy woman and I want to enjoy “well-being.”

Just as much as my body memory continues to  live with the past atrocities, I can learn today to live with body full joy and free from pain.  And it all begins and ends with DEEP BREATH.

My learning will take me down roads of not wanting to be naughty or to be continually nice and on those roads I hope to find a new balance of both emotions with an equal weight in my adult coupled with total well being.


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