It’s Been A While

August 26, 2018

The happy traps of living the life I worked hard to achieve and had envisioned is here.  I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary.  I am starting a new career as a realtor here in Arizona.  I am adjusting to the slower life-wave of Arizona. And with all of that I wake up happy everyday.

Since 1990 I have continually been in some type self examination;   sitting across from several individual therapists, including being fired as a client by one therapist, doing hand analysis, Enneagram work, Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholic rooms, Discovery Balance at the Betty Ford Center, The Grinberg Method body healing, journal writing,  sitting in a Rheumatologist therapy room receiving infusions, and meditation.

Since 2016 I have been in a relationship where I am loved, appreciated, and I am able to accept that love and appreciation without fear or doubt.  I freely choose to love and cherish my husband and trust that what we have is wonderful, is authentic and surprisingly, it seems effortless.

The 28 years of self examination I have learned to trust my choices, my feelings.  Those years I always strived for a better life, a better understanding of what I have to offer and who I wanted to be.  Today, I am proud of the woman and wife I have become.

I am still new at being a step-mom and believe I have more to learn to be better.  But I have tools to use, communication, validation, and a new found confidence that I can be a positive role model for these two young ladies my husband shares with me.  Again a result of the work I have done, because my mother was no mother to be acknowledged or appreciated.

I am still a work in progress.  By no means anywhere near perfect, which is not what I am striving for, but knowing and being away of my flaws and the conscious struggle of not letting them take my wheel of my life, is a continuing effort.  Probably one that will be with me until my last breath.

Today I strive for something new.  Today I strive for a better life for me AND my husband.  I want us to live a long, healthy, life together.  I want us to travel to Europe together and see it with him through his eyes.  Trying new foods, and smells, and languages together.

In my previous relationships I had placed my partners dreams and desires above my own needs and dreams.  Not anymore because each day I wake living and applying all my hard work, loving my life.

 

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I have done a lot of work and have uncovered, inspected, examined & looked under many of the rocks from my past.  Some of the larger rocks/boulders have been rape, neglect, abuse and abandonment.

I have written a book/memoire in hopes that when kids and young adults read the book, they can find their inner voices, see that life won’t always be that way and hopefully any of the abused kids will know they can make better choices in their lives.  Things can and will change.  Life can be good.

Some areas in my life today are still a struggle.  Trust being the one claiming my attention the most.  It is truly a trust of self – being that I can instill my trust in others a little to easily & quickly.  And because I don’t realize I give my trust so quickly, I find myself doubting, my trust wavering, that I spin out about it and it may consume a large part of my peaceful state.

By nature I am a trusting individual, in that I believe most of the people in my world are of good nature and worthy of trust.  I am not wrong in that perception. What blindsides me is when I begin to doubt my initial belief in people and begin to imagine that I am wrong and those around me are not being truthful.

You see, my trust in others has nothing to do in the action of the other person.  It all surrounds me and my self doubt and doubt of my own judgement.  I am not sure when I will truly be able to trust myself and my judgment or actual belief in those who I choose to have around me, not sure what it would look like to be somewhat certain that I am surrounded by ones who love me and who hold my trust in them with regard.  Don’t know what those around me would have to do to prove it or if would want them too.

I just know today that I struggle with my issues of trust of my choices and it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in that struggle, however I know that feelings do not rule my world or identify who I am.  So with the uncomfortable feelings, they are just that and not facts.  With each experience of this uncomfortableness I grow stronger in the experience my choices are good ones, and no one, to date has let me down.