Truly Conflicted

February 21, 2017

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I have not had the blessing of being a mother in this lifetime.  When I get the question of “do you have children?” I simply respond by saying “I hope to be blessed with children in my next lifetime.” This usually garners a surprised response without pity.  The reasons are many and valid.  The timing of when I got pregnant – the one time – I was way to young.  And when I made that decision I thought there would be other opportunities in my life to bring a child into the world at a time with two loving parents, when I was mature and able to financially support my child, away from my abusive, all consuming family.

In my late 20’s I got married but after a few years, my husband was a depressed individual who was a child in my eyes, so bringing another child into the world and having to care for two, well it was more than I could handle.  That marriage after 7 years ended.  I could not have a child with a man I did not feel supported by, or trusted and when the marriage was going south, I no longer respected.  I guess the need to be a “mommy” wasn’t that great – but I beg to differ – thus the conflicted emotions.

I know many women who had children with men for the sake of becoming mothers.  I find that action incredibly selfish and manipulative.  Having the child is never about the child but about fulfilling their need to be a mom.  And after the child is born, that child’s every action is a reflection upon their mother.  How is that healthy for a child?  The child’s existence is solely to fulfill their mother’s dreams.  Ouch.  And the father of the child is relegated as third class whose opinions, values and experience is not wanted.  The father’s income is all that is really welcomed – as a means to and end that he never agreed to.  Men for you I feel sorry when this has happened.

I am now with a wonderful man, who I had dreamed about having a child with many times (he was my first love and we have reunited after 30 years).  He and I would have been great parents together, if we only connected 10 years ago… but we are both well passed the age to bring a child into this world.  We just had a preggers scare and we had a good heart to heart both acknowledging that if I was pregnant having a child at our age is really not in the best interest of the child, and we would struggle.  My desire to have a child, although dormant for a long time, woke up and now I am sad.  I am not pregnant but for the week of not knowing – not wanting to take the pregnancy test – I let myself fantasize of what it would have been to have the miracle experience of brining life into this world.  Now with all the other boxes ticked-off.  Except the main one…we are too old.  Again another valid reason.  I will roll with the emotions, cry when I feel the need and in time this will be a memory.

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The Witch is Dead

November 6, 2016

While at a lovely dinner with my future step-daughter, I get call after call from numbers I do not recognize.  I don’t answer because our long awaited pizza arrives.  I see the voice mail transcript telling me my cousin (brother to the asshole that raped me) is calling saying he loves and misses me.  I am shocked and touched at the same time.  He was a good guy, nothing like his older asshole for a brother.  This prompts me to call my bestest  cousin who tells me that “she” has died, yesterday!  She being the Aunt who called me a “whore” after seeing the blood on the sheets of the bed where he son took advantage of me when I was 8.  She who threatened me to not tell anyone.

Talking to my besets cousin, she reminded me that forgiveness has nothing to do with her, its all about me, but I am not there yet.  I never wanted to see her or give her forgiveness.  I just know she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her or her asshole son.  Knowing she is no longer walking the earth helps me feel I no longer will see her, but as women who have died in my family have done in the past, they come to me in their dreams.  Tonight I am not looking forward to going to sleep….not for a few nights.

I wonder if my good guy cousin has reached out to me now, after she past, as a way of contrition for his mothers’ actions.  He and I have texted one another, but I am not ready to have a conversation with him directly.  I told him I was sorry for his loss, because she was his mother..but I am not sorry I am no longer going to be wondering about her anymore.  Hell is having a rumble this week, between my aunt and my mother and thank goodness my father is in heaven and not wrapped up in all their drama.

Too much power

February 16, 2010

I am working with amazing women.  I grew up with amazing women but in a negative way.  My mother and sister were not my role-model citizens nor the warm and fuzzy type either.  I’ve not spoken to my mother in a number of months.  I’ve not answered the phone when she has called nor do I have a need to dial her number just to hear her voice.  And I am amazed that I am “That” daughter.  I feel the need to define “that”.  Society by a major reveres their mothers.  Honor thy mother, mothers day, Mom knows best etc.  I’d like to know which mother was the role model or the idol for all these “mothering” traditions.  I no longer want my mother in my life feel no need to honor her and thus am not one in alliance with societies view.

Don’t get me wrong.  The actual act of conceiving and a woman carrying a child in her for no more than 9 months is a miracle.  Giving birth is an absolute miracle.  I was born in the 60’s so I am sure that smoking and drinking are a part of my dna make-up.  However I was born at 7 months, perhaps an early indication that I already knew I wanted no part of my mother’s life because the first 18 years were full of a lot of anger directed at me in many, many ways. I honored my mother by never hitting her back, I honored my mother by always going where she demanded I go and be at her side and not having a life of my own. I honored my mother by not running away and becoming a homeless kid in Hollywood which during the 70’s there were several walking the streets.  But she is unable to see that she has done anything wrong because she is protected under the guise of “mother” and again in our society “mother” can do no wrong.  At 18 I moved out and never looked back.  No college education, but no more physical abuse by anyone anymore.

Today my life is good.  Really good.  I don’t have a need for anything or a want that I can not attain materialistic.  But emotionally I am stuck.  Really stuck in all the emotions that as a child I was not allowed to have, and today am completely overwhelmed by them which sometimes paralyzes me.  I’m stuck.  I am my own worst enemy in that I continue to live in the past unable to see what is real today.  The act of punishing, criticizing, ridicule and anger are an active cycle in my day to day life and no one is here today is doing it to me EXCEP ME!  I want it to stop. And I am no different than the old cliché that it is all my mother’s fault.  But you see, the mind, although it knows that I don’t take her calls or return them, her voice, her actions and her anger are still inside me – part of my dna.

I want my own power and I will continue to look for guidance with the wonderful women in my life today.  Ironic isn’t it.