The Witch is Dead

November 6, 2016

While at a lovely dinner with my future step-daughter, I get call after call from numbers I do not recognize.  I don’t answer because our long awaited pizza arrives.  I see the voice mail transcript telling me my cousin (brother to the asshole that raped me) is calling saying he loves and misses me.  I am shocked and touched at the same time.  He was a good guy, nothing like his older asshole for a brother.  This prompts me to call my bestest  cousin who tells me that “she” has died, yesterday!  She being the Aunt who called me a “whore” after seeing the blood on the sheets of the bed where he son took advantage of me when I was 8.  She who threatened me to not tell anyone.

Talking to my besets cousin, she reminded me that forgiveness has nothing to do with her, its all about me, but I am not there yet.  I never wanted to see her or give her forgiveness.  I just know she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her or her asshole son.  Knowing she is no longer walking the earth helps me feel I no longer will see her, but as women who have died in my family have done in the past, they come to me in their dreams.  Tonight I am not looking forward to going to sleep….not for a few nights.

I wonder if my good guy cousin has reached out to me now, after she past, as a way of contrition for his mothers’ actions.  He and I have texted one another, but I am not ready to have a conversation with him directly.  I told him I was sorry for his loss, because she was his mother..but I am not sorry I am no longer going to be wondering about her anymore.  Hell is having a rumble this week, between my aunt and my mother and thank goodness my father is in heaven and not wrapped up in all their drama.

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In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!

Between Two Men

February 22, 2012

I am blessed to be living with the two most impressive, intelligent, supportive men I have known (with the exception of my own father who passed in 1990). One is my partner and the other is his father. My love for them is immense.  However, (I Know) watching them navigate their relationship can be very trying at times. Since I am somewhat new to their family dynamic I can clearly see the history and patterns of misunderstandings, lack of communication and preconceived ideals which has prevailed for years.
When I see this play out in front of my eyes time and time again I get conflicting whole body sensations, one of walking a tightrope above New York (al la Philippe Petit) and the other to yell at the top of my voice to shake up the tense line and say STOP! Each of you get out of your own way, step back and accept one another….
Sloppy I know but that is my experience. I know they are each capable of loving and accepting one another for who they are because that is exactly what my experience is with each of them.
My personal goal for their relationship is to assist (more by example than yelling) each of them to let go of the past angers, past resentments, past preconceived ideas of what each person should be and give today all the possibilities it has to start a new.  Leave the hurt and resentments behind – which is in no way easy – but if practiced on a daily basis, it does get easier, and you have a lot less to weigh you down.