Deprived

March 27, 2017

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So I am trying to refrain from using credit cards – the flip side is – I am teaching myself to live debt free.  I am also learning I have an emotional connection to my credit cards.  The freedom to use them (an not having the cash to pay them off at the end of month) was a prime example of how I would not allow myself to feel deprived.  I would not consider the consequences of using them or know exactly how much I was spending a month.

For the past year I have been living with a man who pays cash for everything and if he does not have the cash, he does not buy it…regardless of emotion or need.  He has not starved himself, does not dress in raggedly looking clothing, and we can go out to dinner or have a good time.  He/We have a wonderful life together.

He has opened my eyes and helped me see a life that is good on budget.  And I have grown ashamed of my inability to limit my spending and see how it has negatively impacted our future.

This is not easy.  I have been in a mild form simultaneous depression and contemplation,  trying not to beat myself up for being blind and neglectful of my finances.  Like quitting smoking, this for me is a moment by moment process.   And currently I am at an extreme mode of not leaving the house because I do not want to be somewhere where I may have to spend money.  Today at the grocery store (which use to be my favorite place to spend most of my money) I bought bare essentials, only spending $18.00 (I use to spend $200 – $300).

So with my man’s help, this April, one credit card is paid off  and 2 more by the end of July. Being completely honest with him has humbled me. And learning to not spend money is process.

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Truly Conflicted

February 21, 2017

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I have not had the blessing of being a mother in this lifetime.  When I get the question of “do you have children?” I simply respond by saying “I hope to be blessed with children in my next lifetime.” This usually garners a surprised response without pity.  The reasons are many and valid.  The timing of when I got pregnant – the one time – I was way to young.  And when I made that decision I thought there would be other opportunities in my life to bring a child into the world at a time with two loving parents, when I was mature and able to financially support my child, away from my abusive, all consuming family.

In my late 20’s I got married but after a few years, my husband was a depressed individual who was a child in my eyes, so bringing another child into the world and having to care for two, well it was more than I could handle.  That marriage after 7 years ended.  I could not have a child with a man I did not feel supported by, or trusted and when the marriage was going south, I no longer respected.  I guess the need to be a “mommy” wasn’t that great – but I beg to differ – thus the conflicted emotions.

I know many women who had children with men for the sake of becoming mothers.  I find that action incredibly selfish and manipulative.  Having the child is never about the child but about fulfilling their need to be a mom.  And after the child is born, that child’s every action is a reflection upon their mother.  How is that healthy for a child?  The child’s existence is solely to fulfill their mother’s dreams.  Ouch.  And the father of the child is relegated as third class whose opinions, values and experience is not wanted.  The father’s income is all that is really welcomed – as a means to and end that he never agreed to.  Men for you I feel sorry when this has happened.

I am now with a wonderful man, who I had dreamed about having a child with many times (he was my first love and we have reunited after 30 years).  He and I would have been great parents together, if we only connected 10 years ago… but we are both well passed the age to bring a child into this world.  We just had a preggers scare and we had a good heart to heart both acknowledging that if I was pregnant having a child at our age is really not in the best interest of the child, and we would struggle.  My desire to have a child, although dormant for a long time, woke up and now I am sad.  I am not pregnant but for the week of not knowing – not wanting to take the pregnancy test – I let myself fantasize of what it would have been to have the miracle experience of brining life into this world.  Now with all the other boxes ticked-off.  Except the main one…we are too old.  Again another valid reason.  I will roll with the emotions, cry when I feel the need and in time this will be a memory.

So, since being in a funk for the past week, having a summer cold has made me rally.  I truly hate being sick, but feeling sluggish and tired can be constant when battling depression and general “blah-ness.” But when I have a cold, the usual slug and tired condition become monumental and so I have to push harder.  And when I push harder, I feel better, I accomplish more and I notice more; write my blog, work on my book and made forward progress, made chicken parmesan, exercised.  So again the good is I feel better, the bad is I see I really need to vacuum cause I notice all my dog’s hair on the floor.  ugh.