Motherless Child

December 10, 2017

I had an angry, volatile, drunken women telling me what to do for most of my life.  This woman was the same person who brought me into this world.  Who repeatedly told me I was bad, had ugly hair, could not be or speak like my Argentinian father.  Demanded that she had to live with me because I was her youngest daughter and it was my responsibility.

I am in fear that her spirit is haunting my new home, my new life that I have created.  I have created, in spite of her and her upbringing and her beliefs of what she thought I was, I have love and joy and happiness everyday.  I know what loves is.  How it feels to receive it and how it feels to give it.

I moved out at 18.  But I did not detach from her until my 30’s.  Until after the death of my father, a failed marriage and finding the right fit of help from a therapist and 12 step meetings. I was able to give up the hope that she would miraculously become my image of a loving person who was happy that I was in her life.  Was proud of my independence and supported my hopes and dreams.

She was a narcissist in the worst way.  The sad point about that is that my being an extension of herself, the loathing that she exhibited in herself was transferred to me because she loathed herself in the same manner.  She couldn’t help but be brutal to me because she was brutal to herself as well.  That is all she knew.

I loved her.  I hated her.  I don’t miss her.  I don’t ever remember gaining comfort from her.  But for years when she was alive I wanted acceptance from her.  I wanted her approval.  And the day I heard that she had died, I felt orphaned – although I had not seen her in years and maybe had spoken to her on the phone once a year.  But she still haunts me.

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The Witch is Dead

November 6, 2016

While at a lovely dinner with my future step-daughter, I get call after call from numbers I do not recognize.  I don’t answer because our long awaited pizza arrives.  I see the voice mail transcript telling me my cousin (brother to the asshole that raped me) is calling saying he loves and misses me.  I am shocked and touched at the same time.  He was a good guy, nothing like his older asshole for a brother.  This prompts me to call my bestest  cousin who tells me that “she” has died, yesterday!  She being the Aunt who called me a “whore” after seeing the blood on the sheets of the bed where he son took advantage of me when I was 8.  She who threatened me to not tell anyone.

Talking to my besets cousin, she reminded me that forgiveness has nothing to do with her, its all about me, but I am not there yet.  I never wanted to see her or give her forgiveness.  I just know she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her or her asshole son.  Knowing she is no longer walking the earth helps me feel I no longer will see her, but as women who have died in my family have done in the past, they come to me in their dreams.  Tonight I am not looking forward to going to sleep….not for a few nights.

I wonder if my good guy cousin has reached out to me now, after she past, as a way of contrition for his mothers’ actions.  He and I have texted one another, but I am not ready to have a conversation with him directly.  I told him I was sorry for his loss, because she was his mother..but I am not sorry I am no longer going to be wondering about her anymore.  Hell is having a rumble this week, between my aunt and my mother and thank goodness my father is in heaven and not wrapped up in all their drama.