Deprived

March 27, 2017

ARIZ3892

So I am trying to refrain from using credit cards – the flip side is – I am teaching myself to live debt free.  I am also learning I have an emotional connection to my credit cards.  The freedom to use them (an not having the cash to pay them off at the end of month) was a prime example of how I would not allow myself to feel deprived.  I would not consider the consequences of using them or know exactly how much I was spending a month.

For the past year I have been living with a man who pays cash for everything and if he does not have the cash, he does not buy it…regardless of emotion or need.  He has not starved himself, does not dress in raggedly looking clothing, and we can go out to dinner or have a good time.  He/We have a wonderful life together.

He has opened my eyes and helped me see a life that is good on budget.  And I have grown ashamed of my inability to limit my spending and see how it has negatively impacted our future.

This is not easy.  I have been in a mild form simultaneous depression and contemplation,  trying not to beat myself up for being blind and neglectful of my finances.  Like quitting smoking, this for me is a moment by moment process.   And currently I am at an extreme mode of not leaving the house because I do not want to be somewhere where I may have to spend money.  Today at the grocery store (which use to be my favorite place to spend most of my money) I bought bare essentials, only spending $18.00 (I use to spend $200 – $300).

So with my man’s help, this April, one credit card is paid off  and 2 more by the end of July. Being completely honest with him has humbled me. And learning to not spend money is process.

Stillness

February 7, 2017

I turned the TV off early this morning in order to not get consumed by the constant chatter of how all actions or reactions are being reported.  I just got off of Facebook and feel worse for having being on it.  I posted about the upcoming Baseball Spring Training – being my first full Spring in Phoenix – I am astounded at all the teams playing here in the “Cactus League.” I posted in hopes of giving friends something to look forward to!

Before all that, during the day, I was still.

I watched a hummingbird land and drink from the feeder I just purchased and put up.

I watched a squirrel run across my yard, up over the pool equipment, onto the mason wall and scurry really fast across the wall to the neighbors yard.

I heard the birds chirp and sing and enjoyed their melodies.

Listened to my dog bark in response to the neighbor dogs’ bark and wonder what they are communicating, because there was a rhythm to it.

Felt the lips of my fiancee as he came home for lunch from work.  Really took in the meeting of lips, soft and firm all at once.

Felt the nudge of my german shepherds nose as she demanded to be acknowledged and hugged.  (she needs a bath)

These moments may not be life changing, but they do alter my mood.  Help me get in touch with what matters in my day to day life, my overall need for order and peace in my day to day functions.  Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply concerned for the future of this country and believe we are in a “crossroads.” One road  could lead to more unity and inclusion or the ill fated road of haves and have nots.  I feel like I am living in a novel.  It just doesn’t feel real.  Sadly its true.  So today I chose stillness, tomorrow I will choose stillness only because I know it calms me.  But don’t mistake stillness for inaction.  My stillness gives me the space to come to an action, an action full of thoughtfulness, contemplation and hope.

Choosing stillness is choosing the self.