In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!

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Starting Over

May 31, 2016

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Grand Canyon - May 2016

January 2016 I had a great awakening.  I attended a 5 day meditation retreat hosted by my masterful teacher Tanda where we immerse ourselves in, my personal experience, of an inner expansion that released old fears and disclosed current behaviors that make me stay in those fears.  My root chakra is where I held most of my fears and that fear was born at the moment my mother tried to burn my fingers off when I was about 4 or 5 years old.  in this retreat i was able to relive this experience – feeling the heat, the survival desire fulling my struggling in trying to get away from her as she held my hands over the stove burner.  At that moment, I learned that my life was not mine to have and that I hated my mother.  In January at 47 years old I was able to let it go and see how I was holding my life back.  Again the belief that my life was not my own – I saw how I would give my life power away to someone else.

So I started to retake my life, step by step and continue to do so today.