It’s Been A While

August 26, 2018

The happy traps of living the life I worked hard to achieve and had envisioned is here.  I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary.  I am starting a new career as a realtor here in Arizona.  I am adjusting to the slower life-wave of Arizona. And with all of that I wake up happy everyday.

Since 1990 I have continually been in some type self examination;   sitting across from several individual therapists, including being fired as a client by one therapist, doing hand analysis, Enneagram work, Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholic rooms, Discovery Balance at the Betty Ford Center, The Grinberg Method body healing, journal writing,  sitting in a Rheumatologist therapy room receiving infusions, and meditation.

Since 2016 I have been in a relationship where I am loved, appreciated, and I am able to accept that love and appreciation without fear or doubt.  I freely choose to love and cherish my husband and trust that what we have is wonderful, is authentic and surprisingly, it seems effortless.

The 28 years of self examination I have learned to trust my choices, my feelings.  Those years I always strived for a better life, a better understanding of what I have to offer and who I wanted to be.  Today, I am proud of the woman and wife I have become.

I am still new at being a step-mom and believe I have more to learn to be better.  But I have tools to use, communication, validation, and a new found confidence that I can be a positive role model for these two young ladies my husband shares with me.  Again a result of the work I have done, because my mother was no mother to be acknowledged or appreciated.

I am still a work in progress.  By no means anywhere near perfect, which is not what I am striving for, but knowing and being away of my flaws and the conscious struggle of not letting them take my wheel of my life, is a continuing effort.  Probably one that will be with me until my last breath.

Today I strive for something new.  Today I strive for a better life for me AND my husband.  I want us to live a long, healthy, life together.  I want us to travel to Europe together and see it with him through his eyes.  Trying new foods, and smells, and languages together.

In my previous relationships I had placed my partners dreams and desires above my own needs and dreams.  Not anymore because each day I wake living and applying all my hard work, loving my life.

 

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Motherless Child

December 10, 2017

I had an angry, volatile, drunken women telling me what to do for most of my life.  This woman was the same person who brought me into this world.  Who repeatedly told me I was bad, had ugly hair, could not be or speak like my Argentinian father.  Demanded that she had to live with me because I was her youngest daughter and it was my responsibility.

I am in fear that her spirit is haunting my new home, my new life that I have created.  I have created, in spite of her and her upbringing and her beliefs of what she thought I was, I have love and joy and happiness everyday.  I know what loves is.  How it feels to receive it and how it feels to give it.

I moved out at 18.  But I did not detach from her until my 30’s.  Until after the death of my father, a failed marriage and finding the right fit of help from a therapist and 12 step meetings. I was able to give up the hope that she would miraculously become my image of a loving person who was happy that I was in her life.  Was proud of my independence and supported my hopes and dreams.

She was a narcissist in the worst way.  The sad point about that is that my being an extension of herself, the loathing that she exhibited in herself was transferred to me because she loathed herself in the same manner.  She couldn’t help but be brutal to me because she was brutal to herself as well.  That is all she knew.

I loved her.  I hated her.  I don’t miss her.  I don’t ever remember gaining comfort from her.  But for years when she was alive I wanted acceptance from her.  I wanted her approval.  And the day I heard that she had died, I felt orphaned – although I had not seen her in years and maybe had spoken to her on the phone once a year.  But she still haunts me.

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On June 23 we were surrounded by family and friends who love and support our relationship.  People who have witnessed our past relationships and understand how incredible it is for both of us to be here together today.  It was the happiest day of my life.

In sharing our story, I see and hear how it touches others.  We are blessed and grateful to have really found each other again.  That in itself is wonderful, however the icing on the cake is that we really like the people who we are today.  Each of us learning from our past relationships, taking what we liked and leaving what we didn’t.  He is a happy person by nature and I have learned too that I am a happy person by nature.  Together, our lives are complete.

 

 

In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!