So, since being in a funk for the past week, having a summer cold has made me rally.  I truly hate being sick, but feeling sluggish and tired can be constant when battling depression and general “blah-ness.” But when I have a cold, the usual slug and tired condition become monumental and so I have to push harder.  And when I push harder, I feel better, I accomplish more and I notice more; write my blog, work on my book and made forward progress, made chicken parmesan, exercised.  So again the good is I feel better, the bad is I see I really need to vacuum cause I notice all my dog’s hair on the floor.  ugh.

I woke up crying…sad that I had invested in a life for many years and decided to walk away when it was not all that I had hoped it would be.  I don’t blame the other person for the break-up, but I am incredibly sadden by my inability to take better care of myself in that relationship.  While I was in the relationship, I did grow and learn how to make myself satisfied in so many ways, yet it was lonely.  I was unheard, unseen, for too long, so my sadness stems from me not speaking up and taking better care of myself.

Thus, the tears are because I had a wonderful opportunity to take care of myself in so many better ways than I did and I lost an incredible opportunity.

I know I can not change an individual if they do not want to change.  Especially, if they are with me day in and day out and don’t change after I repeatedly expressed my unhappiness.

Material for my second book.

In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!

Starting Over

May 31, 2016

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Grand Canyon - May 2016

January 2016 I had a great awakening.  I attended a 5 day meditation retreat hosted by my masterful teacher Tanda where we immerse ourselves in, my personal experience, of an inner expansion that released old fears and disclosed current behaviors that make me stay in those fears.  My root chakra is where I held most of my fears and that fear was born at the moment my mother tried to burn my fingers off when I was about 4 or 5 years old.  in this retreat i was able to relive this experience – feeling the heat, the survival desire fulling my struggling in trying to get away from her as she held my hands over the stove burner.  At that moment, I learned that my life was not mine to have and that I hated my mother.  In January at 47 years old I was able to let it go and see how I was holding my life back.  Again the belief that my life was not my own – I saw how I would give my life power away to someone else.

So I started to retake my life, step by step and continue to do so today.

Between Two Men

February 22, 2012

I am blessed to be living with the two most impressive, intelligent, supportive men I have known (with the exception of my own father who passed in 1990). One is my partner and the other is his father. My love for them is immense.  However, (I Know) watching them navigate their relationship can be very trying at times. Since I am somewhat new to their family dynamic I can clearly see the history and patterns of misunderstandings, lack of communication and preconceived ideals which has prevailed for years.
When I see this play out in front of my eyes time and time again I get conflicting whole body sensations, one of walking a tightrope above New York (al la Philippe Petit) and the other to yell at the top of my voice to shake up the tense line and say STOP! Each of you get out of your own way, step back and accept one another….
Sloppy I know but that is my experience. I know they are each capable of loving and accepting one another for who they are because that is exactly what my experience is with each of them.
My personal goal for their relationship is to assist (more by example than yelling) each of them to let go of the past angers, past resentments, past preconceived ideas of what each person should be and give today all the possibilities it has to start a new.  Leave the hurt and resentments behind – which is in no way easy – but if practiced on a daily basis, it does get easier, and you have a lot less to weigh you down.

Balance

February 5, 2012

Month two of a new year and the list of items to be completed is growing yet I am trying to keep myself out of judgement and out of the outcome and feelings. The difference being is I am trying to increase the muscle of honoring where I am and not who I need or have to be or accomplish. You know, the difference in human doing and human being.
In fact, with the year beginning in pain and aches, I have been forced to take the extra time and slow down but I am in a state of conflict, I can see that each time I teeter-totter towards the self abuse and push, I breath deeply and balance it with a grain of self acceptance. Thus trying to honor where I am today.
I want to accomplish in this year writing a short story or novela worthy of being published and I want to begin volunteering somewhere I can help make a difference and give me a sense of purpose. I also need to honor my current commitments to organize and streamline the office I do inhabit two to three days a week.  The judgement comes in the first two items I want to accomplish this year I have wanted to get to for the last 2 years.   And if I keep looking back and beating myself up for not accomplishing before keeps me in the conflict.  So the strive for balance continues and I hope to use this platform as a way to keep myself in check,with out judgement!!

Tragic

February 2, 2012

why do I fall again and again back to this fucking tragic tortured soul persona?  I hate it.  It makes me sick to think that my automatic reflex is fall to this pitiful woes me state of mind in hopes  it compels people to love me – would them pity my existence. pity my childhood, pity me.  Pity is not Love. Love is not pity but yet I go for it each time. and whose fault or reasoning or blame – no one by my own.  I maintain this trajectory – this neural path – this no thought default alive – and I am sick of it.

Yeah I have fears – I get sad and I know loneliness – but so does everyone else…..I am not special but i default to tragedy time and time again to make me special to make others propel my special needs.  To define me.

I’m tired.

So I was super successful in my endeavors in bringing joy and more people into the home I live.  But before I could host the party I had to bring the home back out from under spider webs and gray, dusty chandeliers.  All this prep work began subconsciously and consciously in October 2011. And it was pretty much a full time job.  We hired an actual cleaning woman (although keeping the existing one is painful).  There were countless pieces of silver to polish and for the sheer idiotic fact I will not mention how many chandeliers there were to be cleaned by expert window washers (who will return in the Spring once the raining has ceased)  All this work of making sure each room was dusted, vacuumed, all the bathrooms immaculately cleaned, floors polished etc etc.  And thus all this culminated to a wonderful Christmas Party where the food was a hit as was all the lovely company.  It may now be an annual event.  (Much to my happy surprise).

It was a fabulous time and I loved it. And my health was great – no ache’s – no flare-ups – no RA.  I was feeling fabulous.

However, January started and I have been in a low awful ache each day.  And I can’t get around it…I am completely stumped and pissed-off at the same time.  I am tired of hurting.  Eat morning before I even open my eyes I will move my body and immediately feel the pain in my knees or in my shoulders or in my hand.  My pain in my hands is a trip.  It’s not just the knuckles that are in your hands at the base of your fingers, but the knuckles in the middle of each finger and hurt – I am exhausted.  The shitty thing is by the end of the day I feel better and the ache has subsided so I fall asleep with the expectation that tomorrow when I wake up I will feel whole again only to have the pain travel to another part of my body!!

On January 12,  2006 I was diagnosed with RA – 6 years ago.  I do believe this disease is a marker to show how I feel on the inside – that my psyche wants people to know how I ache on the inside – so my immune system attacks my joints.   I just don’t have the wherewithall to understand right now what it is that I am beating myself up with.  Am I in a fog with my insights?  Usually I am not one to fear or run away from challenges and this has been a repeated daily challenge with no ease or release of pain.  All I could imagine is to create some sort of structure in my daily life with morning stretches, meditation and writing and hope that I can put an end to this nagging ache.

Perhaps my self nagging nature of how I am not accomplishing anything daily towards my goal of writing my book is the catalyst of joint pain.  Only one way to determine if that is true.  Write every day.  I already have the outline…..

 

Finding the right speed

November 1, 2011

When working out with the trainer on Monday both of us being Aries discussed how energetic and pushy we can be. We also discussed honoring ourselves as we are today. I immediately stepped away from honor and picked-up shame as I see that I continue to expect my level of drive and energy to be that of many years ago. So in learning on how the honor myself now and I struggle with accepting my now slower less productive self.
For instance last week I went on an awesome hike and I loved it. When I got home, I took a 2 hour nap. I was very disappointed in myself – extremely because I succumbed to being tired. Years ago I could ski for hours and party all night and get up and thrive again and again and again. Now a two hour hike kicks my ass.
It feel limited in my life style and my life abilities. So how do I come to terms with slowing down and in honoring who I am today. from going 90 m,p,h. to say 45??

still on the herbs

September 23, 2011

I’ve continued consistently with the herbs supplements and with having breakfast each morning, without an appetite.  My initial emotions this morning was of continued overwhelm, “everything is too much of an effort” but after I observed the thought, I put it aside, showered, meditated and make breakfast and allotted my herbs for the day.  I still feel overwhelmed.  Everything still feels like a chore and extra effort.  I know I have more energy in body than I give it credit so I will also be doing some physical exercise just the same to awaken that part of me.

Today I am instilling a new weekly regimen to our life her at the house.  I have hired a new cleaning/organizing person to help me get the very necessary projects completed around this house – since the existing institutionalized person has no ability to focus to detail.  My new person has the same name as I and is a little younger as well as the niece to the current person.  I am excited about getting this house truly organized and cleaned from the inside out and releasing me of some the anguish I have felt while here. I actually got the thumbs up by J for wanting to organize this place.

Our first agenda is to clean out the pantry and cupboards in kitchen, as well as our refrigerators.  Tomorrow I start a whole new diary free, gluten free diet.  I will be on this for the next 6 weeks to really see if I can truly jump-start my body back into fixing itself and healing.  I need to be and WANT to be well.  I have a lot to live for and truly an a happy person.  Most of the time but now I am full of fear and dread that if this does not happen then again I will be on one more medication that I will have to take for the rest of my life and I don’t want to be tethered to any doctors or medications.  I want complete freedom and well being.