The Witch is Dead

November 6, 2016

While at a lovely dinner with my future step-daughter, I get call after call from numbers I do not recognize.  I don’t answer because our long awaited pizza arrives.  I see the voice mail transcript telling me my cousin (brother to the asshole that raped me) is calling saying he loves and misses me.  I am shocked and touched at the same time.  He was a good guy, nothing like his older asshole for a brother.  This prompts me to call my bestest  cousin who tells me that “she” has died, yesterday!  She being the Aunt who called me a “whore” after seeing the blood on the sheets of the bed where he son took advantage of me when I was 8.  She who threatened me to not tell anyone.

Talking to my besets cousin, she reminded me that forgiveness has nothing to do with her, its all about me, but I am not there yet.  I never wanted to see her or give her forgiveness.  I just know she was evil and I wanted nothing to do with her or her asshole son.  Knowing she is no longer walking the earth helps me feel I no longer will see her, but as women who have died in my family have done in the past, they come to me in their dreams.  Tonight I am not looking forward to going to sleep….not for a few nights.

I wonder if my good guy cousin has reached out to me now, after she past, as a way of contrition for his mothers’ actions.  He and I have texted one another, but I am not ready to have a conversation with him directly.  I told him I was sorry for his loss, because she was his mother..but I am not sorry I am no longer going to be wondering about her anymore.  Hell is having a rumble this week, between my aunt and my mother and thank goodness my father is in heaven and not wrapped up in all their drama.

Until I left

August 10, 2016

Version 2He neglected, ignored and rejected me…time and time again.  And I stayed.

He didn’t see me, hear me, touch me or want me…time and time again.  And I stayed.

He didn’t defend me, respect me, regard me…time and time again. And I stayed.

He didn’t understand that I loved, adored and wanted him….time and time again.

Until I left.


August 5, 2016

Patch of Blue SkyI am in debt.  And being in this debt has been a source of many sleepless nights examining how I got into debt, why I am in debt and how do I stay out of debt.  I find myself in a spin cycle.

I grew up just under the middle class, almost poor.  My mother worked and we had a one bedroom apartment where she and I had to share a bed until I was about 16 (or when I was not living at my father’s home).  I remember not having any lunch or lunch money and that was either because of my mother’s neglect or we were in fact poor.  And our main food groups at home where rice and beans.

I recently ended a long term love relationship with a man who was very wealthy.  He gave me a lovely monthly salary, we lived together and I was able to retire and do work that was rewarding to my soul.  Work, volunteer work, with charities who focused their attention to the needs of women and children in Los Angeles.  I loved that aspect of my life.

I had a wonderful opportunity to advance my own financial security while I was in this relationship but utterly failed to do so.  So part of my spin cycle is looking at what my triggers are in needing to spend so much money, and why I failed to take care of my own future and security.  In part when I was in that relationship, as I have been in most of my past relationships, I didn’t think or want that relationship to end.  I was thoroughly committed.  I thought he and I would be together forever and I would not have to worry about my financial future.

I was wrong.  I was unhappy in the relationship for the last few years, and although I was examining my financial habit while in the relationship I still didn’t understand why I was spending so much money.

Part of me wants to blame him because he was not very interested in life, and my attempts to help him get interested failed.  So I spent money, and when I did, I got his attention.  As negative as it was, for the moment, he was paying attention to me.  A cry for help I guess.  But neither he nor I had the tools to navigate me away from this call and I sank again and again.  We both did.

Another part of me blames myself because I had this open wound of feeling deprived as a child and my inner child had hold of my checkbook and spent, spent, spent.  The crazy part (and I think my ex would agree) is I loved spending money on food.  I would love going to the grocery store and buying stuff for dinner almost daily.  Even now (on my limited budget) my greatest expenditure is at the  grocery store, only weekly now.  Sure when I was “retired” I loved buying clothes and shoes but that was never as satisfying as buying groceries.

So my sleepless nights have also been about how foolish I was, what a monumental opportunity I had and I blew it away, how am I going to rectifying it now.  And change?

I understand now, taking a few steps away from the issue, that in both my relationships, with my mother and my ex, I was neglected.  As a child I really had no recourse but in my adult relationship, my recourse was to extend his neglect of me and further it by myself and deprive my need for a secure future.

I have done a lot of work and have uncovered, inspected, examined & looked under many of the rocks from my past.  Some of the larger rocks/boulders have been rape, neglect, abuse and abandonment.

I have written a book/memoire in hopes that when kids and young adults read the book, they can find their inner voices, see that life won’t always be that way and hopefully any of the abused kids will know they can make better choices in their lives.  Things can and will change.  Life can be good.

Some areas in my life today are still a struggle.  Trust being the one claiming my attention the most.  It is truly a trust of self – being that I can instill my trust in others a little to easily & quickly.  And because I don’t realize I give my trust so quickly, I find myself doubting, my trust wavering, that I spin out about it and it may consume a large part of my peaceful state.

By nature I am a trusting individual, in that I believe most of the people in my world are of good nature and worthy of trust.  I am not wrong in that perception. What blindsides me is when I begin to doubt my initial belief in people and begin to imagine that I am wrong and those around me are not being truthful.

You see, my trust in others has nothing to do in the action of the other person.  It all surrounds me and my self doubt and doubt of my own judgement.  I am not sure when I will truly be able to trust myself and my judgment or actual belief in those who I choose to have around me, not sure what it would look like to be somewhat certain that I am surrounded by ones who love me and who hold my trust in them with regard.  Don’t know what those around me would have to do to prove it or if would want them too.

I just know today that I struggle with my issues of trust of my choices and it can be extremely uncomfortable to sit in that struggle, however I know that feelings do not rule my world or identify who I am.  So with the uncomfortable feelings, they are just that and not facts.  With each experience of this uncomfortableness I grow stronger in the experience my choices are good ones, and no one, to date has let me down.

So, since being in a funk for the past week, having a summer cold has made me rally.  I truly hate being sick, but feeling sluggish and tired can be constant when battling depression and general “blah-ness.” But when I have a cold, the usual slug and tired condition become monumental and so I have to push harder.  And when I push harder, I feel better, I accomplish more and I notice more; write my blog, work on my book and made forward progress, made chicken parmesan, exercised.  So again the good is I feel better, the bad is I see I really need to vacuum cause I notice all my dog’s hair on the floor.  ugh.

I woke up crying…sad that I had invested in a life for many years and decided to walk away when it was not all that I had hoped it would be.  I don’t blame the other person for the break-up, but I am incredibly sadden by my inability to take better care of myself in that relationship.  While I was in the relationship, I did grow and learn how to make myself satisfied in so many ways, yet it was lonely.  I was unheard, unseen, for too long, so my sadness stems from me not speaking up and taking better care of myself.

Thus, the tears are because I had a wonderful opportunity to take care of myself in so many better ways than I did and I lost an incredible opportunity.

I know I can not change an individual if they do not want to change.  Especially, if they are with me day in and day out and don’t change after I repeatedly expressed my unhappiness.

Material for my second book.

In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.

Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.

But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun.  Today I can look at  children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.

So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it.  Then I stopped.  And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was?  No.  I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…

What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch.  He’s pretty awesome at that!

Starting Over

May 31, 2016

Grand Canyon - May 2016

January 2016 I had a great awakening.  I attended a 5 day meditation retreat hosted by my masterful teacher Tanda where we immerse ourselves in, my personal experience, of an inner expansion that released old fears and disclosed current behaviors that make me stay in those fears.  My root chakra is where I held most of my fears and that fear was born at the moment my mother tried to burn my fingers off when I was about 4 or 5 years old.  in this retreat i was able to relive this experience – feeling the heat, the survival desire fulling my struggling in trying to get away from her as she held my hands over the stove burner.  At that moment, I learned that my life was not mine to have and that I hated my mother.  In January at 47 years old I was able to let it go and see how I was holding my life back.  Again the belief that my life was not my own – I saw how I would give my life power away to someone else.

So I started to retake my life, step by step and continue to do so today.

Between Two Men

February 22, 2012

I am blessed to be living with the two most impressive, intelligent, supportive men I have known (with the exception of my own father who passed in 1990). One is my partner and the other is his father. My love for them is immense.  However, (I Know) watching them navigate their relationship can be very trying at times. Since I am somewhat new to their family dynamic I can clearly see the history and patterns of misunderstandings, lack of communication and preconceived ideals which has prevailed for years.
When I see this play out in front of my eyes time and time again I get conflicting whole body sensations, one of walking a tightrope above New York (al la Philippe Petit) and the other to yell at the top of my voice to shake up the tense line and say STOP! Each of you get out of your own way, step back and accept one another….
Sloppy I know but that is my experience. I know they are each capable of loving and accepting one another for who they are because that is exactly what my experience is with each of them.
My personal goal for their relationship is to assist (more by example than yelling) each of them to let go of the past angers, past resentments, past preconceived ideas of what each person should be and give today all the possibilities it has to start a new.  Leave the hurt and resentments behind – which is in no way easy – but if practiced on a daily basis, it does get easier, and you have a lot less to weigh you down.


February 5, 2012

Month two of a new year and the list of items to be completed is growing yet I am trying to keep myself out of judgement and out of the outcome and feelings. The difference being is I am trying to increase the muscle of honoring where I am and not who I need or have to be or accomplish. You know, the difference in human doing and human being.
In fact, with the year beginning in pain and aches, I have been forced to take the extra time and slow down but I am in a state of conflict, I can see that each time I teeter-totter towards the self abuse and push, I breath deeply and balance it with a grain of self acceptance. Thus trying to honor where I am today.
I want to accomplish in this year writing a short story or novela worthy of being published and I want to begin volunteering somewhere I can help make a difference and give me a sense of purpose. I also need to honor my current commitments to organize and streamline the office I do inhabit two to three days a week.  The judgement comes in the first two items I want to accomplish this year I have wanted to get to for the last 2 years.   And if I keep looking back and beating myself up for not accomplishing before keeps me in the conflict.  So the strive for balance continues and I hope to use this platform as a way to keep myself in check,with out judgement!!