Monkey See, Monkey Do

April 16, 2010

Denial – is that what it is?  Denial that I can really change my life?  Denial that my life (health, body) really need a change?  I feel so desperate for any sense of peace and calm and tranquility that when it is so obvious in my life that I have a lot of it, I still run around as if my life will be taken from me at any moment.  One break-through I did experience recently is that I want to punch, punch and keep punching the shit out of someone/something (most likely my mother).  My right arm and shoulder are always poised to hit and keep hitting.  As I am experiencing this break-through, re-living my small existence of a 5  year old being hit by my mother – the difference in this break-through is that now I see that same 5 year old   now having the strength and ability to hit my mother back – in fact to punch her – again and again and again.  In realization I immediately feel guilty because my persona of “always being the good girl” immediately associates this behavior as bad and good girls never do that, all the while I am told that it is natural to want to hit someone back after I have experienced so much violence.

Monkey see Monkey do?

Obviously not because I never struck my mother.  And never will.  And one constant that I live by is that I never want to be like her.  I’ve not had children, I am very conscious not to become an alcoholic or addict, I try very hard to be patient and supportive of most everyone around me and I don’t shop for the sake of shopping.  But her constant critical voice and disapproving opinions still haunt me and at times I have heard that same tone come out of my voice and lash at those around that I love. Ugh I feel frustrated and angry and held back.  Emotions of not enough and never being enough come bouncing all on me, but of course enough for who?  the same disapproving tone is re-lived and here is the test; what do I do about it – whine and whimper or apply what I have learned and carve a new path…

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