The next 3 months

January 5, 2010

I believe that my auto-immune system has been in overdrive since 1967 when I was in utero.  I believe I can heal  my body by releasing all the stimulus it has carried and teach my body a new way of existing which is to simply exists = breath calmly;  both a physical and a soul’s journey.

My friends and teachers have encouraged me to write my voice of my journey through my past and of my present.  My primary focused today is in healing and ridding my body of  Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It is an auto-immune disease where my body attacks itself and eats away at all my joints, causing pain, inflammation, stiffness as well as night sweats and fatigue.  I was diagnosed in 2006 and have experienced the gamut of highs and lows of this degenerative disease.  My treatment has been both high and low weekly doses of  Methotrexate (chemo) and every 6th week an infusion treatment called Remicade.  Needless to say the weekly chemo makes me ill and fatigued, although I keep up a 40 hour work week.  I’ve only missed work a few days when I’ve had bad flare-ups or nights without sleep, but no more than two days in a row.

My first emotional stage was fear and yet validation because  finally there was something on the “outside” that identified how I felt all the time on the “inside.”  Stiff, swollen, lethargic and in pain all the time.  Although after I received the diagnosis, initially I vowed to not to let it stop my life and I continued with my set travel plans to ski in  Vail two weeks later.   I simply focused on trying to not be in pain and lived in the fear of when I would be in pain again.

Other emotional stages during flare-ups where  I was unable to move either shoulders, or my hip or my jaw to eat or speak where feelings of wanting to die, depression, as well as feelings of defeat, helplessness and failure.

My current emotional and physical belief stage is that my body will heal itself and I will be done with RA and RA will be done with me.  I’ve gained this insight by working with a Reiki master, receiving acupuncture, seeing therapists and for the past few months intensive weekly work with a practioner of the Grinberg Method.   I also have a wonderful MD – a Rheumatologist – whom I see every 6 weeks.  All of these individuals provide a bit of respite from either my physical dis-ease or my emotional dis-ease;  some do both.

Over the years I have worked on removing the internal emotional pain that my external body seems to mirror and thus the effect is RA.  I have made a further commitment to invest all my energy and resources to truly healing my body of RA.

For the next 3 months I am going to change my diet some more, write every day, exercise and truly delve into my bodies old pain, memories and fears with the goal of ridding my body of the disease of RA and heal it from the harmful side effects the medications which have served to stop the RA from wrecking my joints.

This will be a moment by moment journey and it will be what it will be.  For today I can choose to take another step and look forward to where the road will take me.

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