No Sleep

January 5, 2010

So today I returned to work after having 10 days off – 6 of which were furloughed.  I am not happy in my current position and I  find it difficult to wrangle myself to work after truly enjoying each of my days off.  Today’s energy level was at an even lower rate than usual because I woke up at 2 a.m. and did not succeed in falling back asleep.  I did slumber for about 40 mins between 5 and 6, otherwise I watched the clock tick by hour by hour.

My mind was engrossed in a constant one way communication with my boss about how unfair he is to my assistant;  about how he went back on his word when he hired her;  about how I don’t care about his life or divorce;  about how he never asks about my life or how I am doing; about how sorry and humiliated he will be when I leave him for another position; about a dear friend of mine going through a difficult episode with her husband.

After those conversations with other people were over, I then turned on myself and began to berate myself about how I know better and this should not be happening to me;  how I know about breathing and meditating and relaxation techniques and I should fall asleep now.  Just close my eyes take deep breaths, relax, clear the mind and simply fall asleep.  Easy as that.  Nope. 4 o’clock came and went.

I then turned on the TV – Turner Classic Movies – and there was a movie about Heidi the girl who lived in the Swiss Alps – perfect mindless TV to lull me back to slumber.  Nope it ended 5 or 6  o’clock rolled around.

All along though I  did not work my emotional self up and become frantic or desperate to get back to sleep.  Although feelings of hopelessness did filter through a few times and the agony of what this day would be like on only 4 hours sleep filled me with dread.   I tried to rationalize by believing that there are many people who survive on only 4 hours sleep and that I am being indulgent in needing 7 or 8.  (Mind you, I have a chronic condition that can cause inflammation “flare-ups” because of lack of sleep AND I work for an MD who does sleep research and is adamant that less than 7 hours of sleep can lead to inflammation).   So today the hours continued to pass by at a snail’s pace.  I was ready to leave work and come home feeling as if I had worked a full days by 10:30 a.m.

And where I am finding the energy to write this blog, I am truly surprised and perhaps this is supply an energy in myself that I did not know I possessed.  And probably tomorrow when I read this over, all my errors will be very apparent. (thank goodness for spell-check)  But for tonight I put no pressure on myself to have a full nights restorative sleep, but will put my faith in a sleep aid to assure my mind and body that tomorrow will be full of more energy because it is not up to me to make me sleep.  Just for tonight.

Sweet dreams!

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